The Charlie Ballard Blog

Food Anonymous Diet Day 6

2012-03-06T15:20:00.002-08:00

I have to work a double so my eating is going to be short today.

- small cup of McDonald's parfait with strawberries & blueberries
- small cup of black beans & pico de gallo from work
- medium Cobbs salad from 711 which I only ate half.

Hopefully I'll have enough energy to run around the lake tonight after my double shift!

Happy Dieting!

xoxo

Food Anonymous Diet Day 5

2012-03-05T20:20:00.004-08:00

Today started off good. I did not have time to make my favorite instant oatmeal in the morning so I settled for lunch at work.

- Chicken & Steak Fajitas, refried beans, rice, onions, peppers and guacamole. Thankfully a co-worker took some food, our fajitas from work really are a lot.
- Deluxe Salad from Del Taco which completely and utterly disgusting. It looks like I'll have to stop by McDonalds or Jack in the Box for a fast food salad, theirs are better anyways
- 2 banana's
- small banana ice cream with chocoalte/caramel/banana/chopped walnuts mix in's from The ColdStone Creamery *This made me go poop good, I think I'm lactose intolerant*
- 2 cups of instand cream of wheat w/ 2 spoons of sugar and lots of, "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" , for flavor!

I know its only Day 5 but right now it feels like my diet is going to be a battle between me and my stubborn belly fat and trust me when I say its stubborn.

Happy Dieting!

xoxo

For Dennis

2012-03-05T20:07:00.009-08:00

This is an open letter to the Improv Comedy Club and to all the comedians who entered the comedy contest after the winners were announced, when you read this, you'll get an idea of what minority comedians have to go threw in comedy clubs all across america.

-------------------------------------------------------------

First, congrats to the finalist.

Secondly, I didn't enter this contest because legit comedy contest don't ask for a processing fee to enter their competitions.

Lastly, when I looked up the finalist, they were all white. That's great and all but its hard for me to believe that with all the talent out there Budd and his friend couldn't find one quality minority comedian.

I've been doing stand up comedy for 9 years and its never become more clear to me until now how jaded this industry is.

And I have absolutely no problem letting my feelings be known in fear of retaliation from any comedy club.

I made my own comedy career without the help of any club and wish continued success to all comedians regardless of their backgrounds!

Keep doing what you do because you'll make it on your own aspirations!

xoxo

Charlie Ballard
www.charlieballard.com

Food Anonymous Diet Day 4

2012-03-04T21:28:00.007-08:00

Today was a good day. I've always noticed when I wasn't dieting, I've always managed to splurge on junk food one day in a work week and today was that day, but I did a lot better then I usually do because of my eating choices:

- leftover ceaser salad with carnitas, but didn't eat the pork, it just didn't seem that tantlizing the next day
- 2 packets of Maple Sugar Oatmeal with 2 chopped banana's, holy shit oatmeal is a good fiber item to induce a good shit
- 1 sugar cone of pralines n' cream
- nachos with extra cheese & jalepeno's from the Cal Womens Basketball Game consession, I ordered a bottle of water to drink but also got a SOBE flavored water drink
- caramel & chocolate sundae from Ben & Jerry's in Berkeley
- orange and apple from Walgreen's

Amazingly, I think all the dairy mixed with the oatmeal in my system made me take another big deuce when I got to SF. So all and all, I'm happy with what I ate today, I am so juiced for tomorrow and the next days after that because even though I've been backsliding on my diet a little, I still have so much more to look forward to and in turn, thats going to make me drink more water, eat more salads with protein, and enjoy fresh fruit in the long run!

Also, I noticed I lost a blog reader because of my recent diet blogs, thats cool.

I know I usually blog about stupid frivilous shit but for the remaining 85 days of my diet, I'm going to be blogging about what will be going in and out of my mouth, and for once it won't be cock.

Thats the whole reason why I'm dieting in the first place, so some guy will want to put his cock in my mouth in the first place.

So, if anyone can't deal with that, too bad.

See you guys in 30/40 lbs-ish.

xoxo

Food Anonymous Diet Day 3

2012-03-03T22:54:00.006-08:00

This morning I woke up, did my run, and ate:

- 2 pieces of grilled chicken from KFC, threw away the biscut
- walked over to the new Wingstop and had 12 wings plain with honey mustard and ranch dressing, the wings were good but I knew they were deep fried in grease :(
- small order of baked beans which weren't that great, the baked beans at Everett & Jones BBQ in Jack London Square are way better
- 2 bowls of instant Maple Sugar oatmeal which made me go shit
- small sorbet ice cream from the ColdStone Creamery, I got a lemon sorbet ice cream and added black cherries & strawberries, it was soooo good!
- ceaser salad with carnitas, parm cheese, croutons
- small horchata

I know its only day 3 but my food choices will get better!

My friend Yvette just gave me the low down on what other foods I can eat besides the standard Food Anonymous Diet plan which consists of two 4 oz salads, two portions of 8 oz of meat for protein and yogurt in the morning to get the intestinal track moving.

Yvette said I can also eat green vegatables and all fruits except for banana's and grapes, I guess because they're loaded with sugar.

I can also eat oatmeal in the mornings other then yogurt, which is good because I know at some point I'll get burnt out on McDonald's yougurt.

So, I have to work extra hard not to eat my instant Cream of Wheat or instand grits because those items aren't on the menu.

For now, I'm going to finish the boxes that I do have and not buy anymore.

Okay folks, I will say this, after I came home and ate the instant oatmeal, the KFC Chicken and wings whatever else that has been hiding up my ass came out with no problem. I was so happy, I know its still early to see any kind've results so I'll take what I can get, atleat for now.

Happy Dieting!

xoxo

The War Called Pontiac's

2012-03-03T13:57:00.010-08:00

For those of you who don't know, my name is Charlie Ballard and I'm a descendant of Chief Pontiac - Ottawa, one of our Great Native American chiefs from American history.

This blog is in response to a academic call for proposals on Chief Pontiac's War the French and the British.

My response is below:

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Call for Proposal Announcement

Title: “The War Called Pontiac’s, 1763-2013”
Who: The McNeil Center for Early American Studies
Dates: April 4-6, 2013
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Deadline: April 16, 2012

The 250th anniversary of what has long been known as “Pontiac’s War”
offers scholars an opportunity to reexamine the conflict and its impact
on the history of North America. The ambiguous role of the Ottawa leader
Pontiac and widespread scope and the varying aims of other Native
participants in the conflicts of the mid-1760s defy easy categorization,
a problem well summed up by Francis Jennings’s phrase, “The War Called
‘Pontiac’s.’” Many contemporary British observers and combatants sought
some conceptual clarity by casting the blame on French-inspired
treachery. Many Native people located the treachery among the British.
In the mid-nineteenth-century, Francis Parkman constructed an epic tale
of a single charismatic Indian leader and the last gasp of a doomed
people. More recent work offers a much more complex interpretation of an
inter-Native movement grounded in Native spirituality and aiming to
regain status as well as land for its Native participants in the new
geopolitical world after the Seven Years War.

Accordingly, this conference encourages broad reexaminations. Possible
topics include—but are not limited to—discussions of any relevant
theater of war, the participation of particular Native groups or
individuals, colonial and imperial responses, immediate repercussions or
long-term effects, subsequent historiography and changing perceptions,
new attempts at synthesis, or fresh frameworks for understanding.

Submission:

Proposals are welcome for papers of approximately thirty pages in
length, which will be pre-circulated to all conference participants.
Suggestions for complete panels will also be considered, but the
organizers reserve the right to accept, reject, or reassign individual
papers.

Please submit proposals of approximately 600 words, along with
curriculum vitae, to mceas@ccat.sas.upenn.edu no later than 16 April
2012. Accepted panelists will be notified by mid-May 2012; papers will
be due for pre-circulation no later than 1 February 2013. Some support
for participants’ travel and lodging will be available.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's my response:

Currently, there is a college academic debate coming up called the, "The War Called Pontiac’s, 1763-2013" , in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania., to
to, reexamine the conflict and its impact on the history of North America" .

Why? I guess, "many contemporary British observers and combatants sought some conceptual clarity by casting the blame on French-inspired treachery. Many Native people located the treachery among the British" .

It sounds like these academic scholars are having a hard time pinning which European nation caused treacherous relations with the Indigenous tribes on the North American continent.

Seeing as how I have a B.A. degree in American Indian Studies and researched my Great Grandfather Chief Pontiac for a history class in school, here's my opnion.

At some and point in time upon European contact with the North American Indigenous tribes, all of the European Nations who migrated to the America's ie French, British, and Spanish, in some way, shape or form had treacherous relations with the Europeans because of there poor diplomacy skills.

For example, if you read in Francis Parker's account, "The Chief Pontiac Conspiracy" , you'll note that Chief Pontiac wanted peace with the European tribes but because the European negotiator insighted insults with his diplomacy, he negotiations caused war and a lot of uneccesary deaths on both sides.

These aggressive European characteristics and approaches are a commom theme in dealing with the American Indian tribes during the 18th, 19th and 20th centuries.

If you read other historical accounts of other tribes, all of our old chiefs wanted to live in peace or come to a truce with the Whites but their leaders kept insighting brutality, war mongering, fear, and genocide with America's first original inhabitants.

Have White people learned anything from their past mistakes on having good diplomatic relations with Native American tribes, yes, but at what cost.

xoxo

Charlie Ballard

Food Anonymous Diet Day 2

2012-03-02T17:41:00.004-08:00

Wow, my FA diet must be really working because I took a good shit this afternoon and my turd has never looked healthier. Seriously, I think all those leafy greens and vegatables gave it a great color. I just feel more juiced to keep going!

- cup of black beans with pineapple salsa
- Chipotle salad with steak/shredded beef/black beans/fajita onions/corn/pico and Apple Chipotle dressing from Chevy's, *one of my all time favorites"
- 2 small bags of honey roasted peanuts
- small can of macadamian nuts
- late night ceaser salad from Taqueria in the Castro, the ceaser dressing was da bomb

When I was ordering my salad at Chipotle, I asked if they put lard and bacon in their brown beans and they said yes so I passed but then I was like, "yeah, give me the steak and shredded beef on top of my salad" , looking back and considering my meat choices, I should have went with the brown beans.

Happy Dieting!

xoxo

Food Anonymous Diet Day 1

2012-03-01T19:55:00.004-08:00

Food Anonymous Diet Day 1: for the next 90 days I'll be doing the FA diet, which means no sugar or flour! My weight has stayed the same for the past couple of weeks and still with the all the running I've been doing, it was time to take it a step further and change my daily diet because thats whats been kicking my butt! Wish me luck guys!

Starting Weight: 275

What I ate for today!

- cup of Black Beans with pico salsa
- small salad from Lee's Deli, cranberries, walnuts, romainse lettuce,
oil & vinegar,
- McDonald's Soutwest Salad with Paul Newman's Southest dressing
- McDonald's parfait *yummie*
- cream of wheat package with 2 tablespoons of sugar and a couple splashes of, "I can't believe it's not butter" !
- small bag of pistachio's

The FA Diet is supposed to consist of no sugar and no flour in my dieting, so even though I put 2 spoons of sugar, I'm not tripping because I wanted to enjoy my cream of wheat.

xoxo

For Lydia

2012-02-25T16:27:00.006-08:00

I remember when Anne Rice's movie, "Queen of the Damned" , came out, I was still in Haskell and most of my friends kept raving how much better the book was over the movie.

And to be honest, for someone whose never read any of Anne's books, I thought the movie was pretty good but still, there was something about the lead character, Akasha, the Vampire Queen who made me want to know more about her, I was really curious about what made her so villainous. So that was motive for me wanting to read, "Queen of the Damned" , and I read every page with passion until my questions were answered.

I'm not much of a reader, so it takes a pretty good story to move me.

So this is what lead me to wait in line for three hours and meet Anne Rice so she could sign her new book for me called, "The Wolf Gift" .

When it was finally my turn to get my book signed, Anne immediately winced at the name at the yellow postee inside because it read a girls name and I said, "Oh, this book is for my friend Lydia. I have only read one of your books, 'Queen of the Damned' , and she was the person who gave it to me to read, so now I want to return the favor" .

After Anne signed the book, she politely said, "you'll like it because its polarizing", and I said, "well, I'm going to send it to her first and if she likes it then I might read it too" .

And thats when Anne Rice and her book assistants broke out into laughter. Leave it to me to say something stupid to one of the most entertaining writers of our generation.

xoxo

I Love My Friends!

2012-02-21T18:57:00.006-08:00

Lately I've been feeling really lonely.

I can think of a couple reasons why I'm single, my living situation, my job, my weight, my fungus ridden toe nail, and so on.

None of these things have ever prevented me from hooking up but still but I'm sure it must be nice to have another person to go home to or to have a partner to be intimate with on a consistant basis.

So in the mean time until I do find that right guy, I guess I'll just have to find other ways to get a good bang for my buck, speaking of which, I totally put this status update on my facebook and here are the responses I got from my facebook friends.

Thanks everybody, you guys really do know how to pick up my spirits when I'm feeling down.

Who wants to help me raise money so I can buy an expensive gay hooker?

Briana Darlene - Ooo benefit pow wow! Lmfao!

Timothy Ham - Sell some indian tacos?? I'll buy ingredients but u gotta make fry bread and set up stand outside of clubs. lol

Briana Darlene - Ndn taco sales & benefit pow wow! Love it more!

Lydia Roach-Raines - Set up a PayPal acct

Samuel White Swan Perkins - kickstarter?

Evangeline Kissoon - I see this post AFTER ur request for a gay hooker pitch-ins from ur friends! U BETTER love ur friends!

I.Q.

2012-02-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

Do you guys ever wonder how smart you are and if so, which aptitude test you would most excel at?

I've had a couple bright moments in my life which made me feel very smart and I'd like share them with you guys.

The first one when I was watching Jeopardy with my mom's ex boyfriend - Al. It was a typical Jeopardy episode where I pretty much didn't know any of the questions to the listed answers on the tv monitors.

However, my knowledge of random trivia hit a high when Alex Trebek asked the contestants this last question on the show, the topic was Geography, heres the question (jeopardy):

"Name the capitol city of this state which has the same name of a river running threw the state of Arizona"

Does anyone give up because the answer is Salt Lake City, Utah. The Salt River runs Phoenix, Arizona.

I only knew the answer because I went to school with so many Salt River Pima's from Phoenix, Arizona. That river is named after their tribe.

For one split second I felt super smart and was like, "I should go audition for that show" , but seeing as how I only managed to answer the final question correctly out of the other ninety nine questions asked, I figured probably not.

Another high I.Q moment came when I was checking out some books at the now defunct City Lights Bookstore in the Castro.

When this bookstore was open, I use to love love browsing the gay social magazines, coffee table books, and the occasional gay porn magazine.

On a sunny afternoon there were a stack of MENSA quiz cards on display, they looked fun. I guess these cards were used with real MENSA students and made into a form of trivia entertainment.

I have never considered myself a MENSA intellect but I was game enough to try one quiz card to see what it said and if I could answer it.

To this day, I can't remember what the card question was but it was definitely a brain teaser, knowing that, I changed my logic around and when I came up with my answer, turned the card around and boom, I was right. I felt so special that day because I was like, "wow, I am smart" . Thats amazing how I came to that conclusion considering that I only picked one card and answered it right. hahaha I figure one card is enough, why ruin the streak right?

My last highlight came from college. We were sitting in our Art Appreciation class watching slides of paintings and the teacher asked us to identify them. WTF? Are you serious? I mean hello, thats why we were taking this class in the first place, so we could learn about different types of art but I guess the art appreciation instructor felt we should already have a knowledge art base and thats what we were being quizzed on.

And whats funny is, when none of my classmates couldn't identify any of the paintings or what they meant, she was like, "okay, lets move to the next one" , okay hold on wait a minute, isn't that why we're in this class, so if we don't know what is being discussed, the instructor can then explain what is trying to be to conveyed in class? And then this dumb instructor had the nerve to get mad at us because we didn't know any of the art pieces she was projecting on the wall.

My old friend Regina Charles was able to identify a painting and it was the Mary Magdelan, you know, the hooker that turned Jesus turned into a homemaker. Go Gina for knowing your religious history!

I was feeling really lost in that class until the instructor showed this really abstract painting which I immediately identified.

My first interpretation was, "this painting is very aggressive with the lines, its very fast moving, and colorful, and I could tell the stick figure in the middle is a woman because her breast are very pointy" , and she was all, "thats great but what does it mean" , and I said, "oh, it means that women are aggressive" . And she said, "correct" .

She then went on to say, "the artist who created this painting was definitely hurt by women and thats what he is trying to portray" .

And thats when the red flag in my brain went off because shes obviously giving her opnion of his work and not being objective.

I quickly rebutted, "why do you think he was hurt, if I could see what the artist was trying convey, it must be true" .

I was so ready to debate with this bitch because I think thats what she wanted.

In the end, I ended withdrawing from the class and from college that semester because of personal hardship and when I was leaving her class, she said to me, "its too bad you're leaving because you were one of my brightest students" .

And all I could think was, "this crazy bitch is holding me up from getting my drink on" .

xoxo

Fred Phelps <-- Dumb Ass !!!!

2012-02-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

As an entertainment blogger, I am aware of whatever or whomever I blog about, I'm basically giving my blog topic a platform so everyonce can hear their point of view, good or bad.

Todays blog is about the extremist religious cult known as the Westburo Baptist Church based in Topeka, Kansas. This church is run by the Fred Phelps family who preach hatred and bigotry.

If anyone has ever seen them protest, they're usually the ones carrying the signs that say, "God Hates Fags" .

And then across the street, you'll see liberal protesters waving their counters signs back at them like, "God doesn't hate the gays, who do you think help decorated Heaven" ?

Lately, the Phelps have been known for protesting the funnerals of Matt Sheperd, Micheal Jackson, and USA soldiers killed in action.

Most recently, their protests were taken to the United States Supreme Court where they won a ruling that their protests are protected under the, "freedom of speech" , clause in our U.S. Constitution.

So today, they were in the news again for traveling to New Jersey to protest the funeral of Whitney Houston, only because she's considered a gay icon, how despicable.

I hope they do show up and get their asses kicked. If its one thing we all know, you don't fuck with Black people and church. So I'm sure Bobby Brown will be in the headlines tomorrow for putting his foot up their ass.

The Westburo Baptist Church does bring up a good point with their protests and its that inbreeding needs to stop, seriously, have you guys seen their family picture, I can't tell the mommie from the daddy because they all look alike.

I can't wait for these people to die so they can see how gay heaven really is, and you know when they find that out, they're gonna be like, "we rather go to hell" , which is cool because thats where they belong.

xoxo

America's Got Talent Audition 2012

2012-02-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, I just did something that I said I would never do again, and thats audition again for America's Got Talent and guess what, I compeletely killed my audition.

It was actually lastnight when we were watching the news is when I decided to audition today.

I mean, I already knew about it but I wasn't motivated at all to be apart of it. I just had such a bad experience from the last time that I was in no way ready to even think about doing it again.

Who knows, maybe theres a higher power who wants to me audition again and left me clue earlier this week.

A co-worker was flaunting around one of those AGT Fast Passes that they give out to promote the show, you know, so you don't have to wait such a long line and they move you right to the front.

Today I arrived at 10:30am and didn't get seen until about 2:30pm.

I came in with the cattle call, registered, and waited around just like everyone else.

Today was my day off from such a stressful week at work so I actually enjoyed my time meeting and talking to other people.

When the producers finally called my number, I was escorted upstairs to the Mezzanine level where I saw the other talent acts in holding.

Everyone was in good spirits which I thought was very good.

I didn't mean to show my green eye earlier in the day but I did. I didn't mention to anyone that I auditioned before so I kept everything present.

When I was talking to an opera singer, "I was like really, you know, they've already had Jackie Evancho and Ellyse from the previous years" .

I know, I had to check myself quick because I wasn't going to let my unintentional negativity fuck up anyones dreams.

So I quickly changed my tune and tried to be more supportive.

I was also thinking how earlier when I arrived this guy asked me to borrow my pen so he could fill out his audition papers and I was like, "only if you got cash" . hahah I thought that was funny. And then the security lady over seeing the line, over heard me and was like, "oh, thats bad karma" .

And I was all, "okay security lady, I was just kidding, I mean hello, I am a comedian after all, thats what we do, gheesh, give me a break" . But then again, all those bad jokes I've told over the years would explain the karma I've been threw.

And you know what, after all that I did give my pen to him so he could fill out his AGT forms.

All of this was going threw my head as I was waiting for my call time upstairs.

They seperated the singers, from the singers with guitars, and other talent acts. There was another SF comedian who went in the same time I did but I forgot his name already, hes pretty new but I'm sure I'll remember him if I see him performing around SF again.

The production assistants were very helpful, as they usually are. I was listening to one of them say to another performer, "Nigel is ready to see you" and I immediately thought, "oh shit, thats the guy who pulled me to perform for the AGT show in Portland, Oregon" ! Todays audition really was turning into karma and fate.

So the p.a. *production assistant* called me into the audition room and Nigel's face was the very first face I saw.

I was actually relieved when I saw him and the first words out of my mouth were, "surprise... surprise" !!!!

They told me to introduce myself and from the time I opened my mouth to the end of the audition, my whole experience with them went great.

I don't really want to say what I said or what I did because the rules of the show don't permit me to talk about it, lets just say the other comedian who was in holding outside heard me from the hallway, he said, "wow, you were pretty loud in there" .

hahahahhahah

I'm pretty sure I gave them something different from they were expecting from comedians.

I can honestly say that now I have have closure too.

If Nigel and AGT doesn't call me back, I'm be perfectly okay with that. I told them, "I came back to show Howie, Sharon, and Piers that I did listen to their criticism and have a lot more to show them from the last time , so hopefully you guys will give me a 2nd chance" .

It felt great to walk out of the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium with my dignity still intact but I'm sure if you guys ever get to see what I did in there for todays AGT audition, you guys are going to say to yourselves, "what dignity" ?

xoxo

My Heart is Full

2012-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

I recently asked my facebook friends, "for all my friends that I've met in this life, what is your best memory of me" ?

Heres what they said:

1) Evangeline Kissoon - Ur ability to pull me out of my comfort zone!

2) Briana Darlene - Walking Lake Merritt & eating at Ahn's burger. Lol! And when we went to Great America! :)

3) Brandt Teran - At Sipi when u always acting like u were setting but the ball was no where near you..made me laff u were a character.

4) Natasha EagleStar - Volleyball #10 setup!

5) Lydia Roach - Your hooker strut in shorts in the middle of the winter. Luv U!!

6) Corianna Honena - When I was a child and I meet you at Haskell, when my auntie Holly went there and we was at a dinner and a dog licked you and u screamed all loud and than you give me your Barbie doll. Lol

7) Kathy Peltier - When we were in Jenn's room and we went to the gazebo and hrs later you walked me back to the church and you made sure I didn't mess up my hair. You were such a gentleman :)

8) Elisa M. Suminimo - Going to Kingman with you and Ian. We had lots of laughs to and from. Oh yeah, dinner at El Palacio was a blast as well.

9) Anneka Osife - U playin volleyball @ da gym @ SIHS.:)

10) Karen Corbett - Your Orgasm. Let me know if you need my help again. You're the best.

11) Darlana White - your big brown glasses, blue shorts and white long shirt...oh and who could forget your ponytail :)

12) Kevin Nez - Your Great America video. Dancing hella hard to Bobby Browns My Perogative.

13) Mauro Moura - You scaring the shit out me at Market St. with that big hug Lmao.

14) Valerie Neunsinger - Chemistry class when we use to pass notes even though we sat next to each other lol...u always made me laugh with ur jokes :) Love ya Charlie.

15) Wesley Walker - The airplane move you did at the Bench & Bar... twirl

16) Judy Lujan - Talking to you at the Pow Wow Comedy Jam at Sac State after the show.

17) Michelle Le Brun - One of your psychic readings.

18) Stuart Campau - Your humbleness and lack of egotism..choke choke...

OMG, thank you guys so much, if I die tomorrow I'll know that I have lived a good life.

xoxo

100,000 Hits - Thank You !

2012-02-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, my first, "Being Gay & Native American" , tv clip finally reached 100,000 hits on youtube and I would personally like to thank everyone for watching it.

If it weren't for youtube I would not have a comedy career at all. That little video helped me get work for the past 5 years and it also established me as one of the premiere Native stand up comedians in the United States.

My comedy career really has taken a non-conventional form to success. When I did the Outlaugh Comedy Festival back in 2006, I was told a network executive cut my video from the 8 original comedy episodes to be aired on LOGO that year and when I found that out, I was devastated. It was hard for me to believe that because I knew I had one of the best sets of the Outlaugh Festival that year.

As the fates would have it, LOGO decided to release my video in the form a video podcast, which anyone could download.

So thats what happened. I just happened to search my name on youtube and there was my video. A young girl named Courtney originally downloaded my video podcast and was the first to post it on youtube. Immediately that video started to spread like wild fire. I got messages from different people saying it was being showcased on different web video channels, which to me was amazing.

In doing so, my video 20,000 hits in a short time, most from the Native American community passing it around on Myspace, which was the hot online social network at the time.

Eventually the LOGO Network did air my clip in a special, on a comedy outing in NYC back in 2007, a fan spotted me in a gay night club on Christopher St. and asked me for my autograph. I'll never forget the way that made me feel, I felt like such a big star that night.

This video was my first training on how to start acting/behaving like a celebrity. When Courtney posted my video, I got some nice comments and not so nice comments. A couple of times I responded back negatively to whoever left a rude comment and eventually Courtney pulled the video because of it. I don't blame her for doing so because our exchanges were probably giving her more trouble then she asked for.

So thats when I took charge and downloaded my LOGO podcast myself, created a youtube page, and so on.

From then on, I decided not to respond personally to any comment, good or bad. I figure the comment section on youtube is for the fans/viewers and really, thats their space to express themselves.

What I feel most honored about is how the Native community responded to my work. When I search my LOGO clip, a few Natives created a their own video playlist and listed my video among their favorites with search words like, "Native Pride, Proud NDN, or Funny Indians" , and to me that means a lot because that lets me know I did my job. When I set out, my goal was to give a voice to our Native American community members and hopefully try to make them feel good about themselves.

Over the years, I also had many college students email me who saw my clip in their classrooms. Its nice being subjectified academically because I love how college students and professors deconstruct my work, its very flattering.

I don't mind being known as the Gay Native American, in fact, I have to thank my friend Tony Sparks for helping realize my comedy niche early on and going after it, he really is smart man when it comes to comedy and is a brilliant joke writer. And for everyone who doesn't know, he wrote the, "Smallpox" , and, "Circling" , jokes that made me infamous. And it was those jokes that helped me find my voice.

I was listening to a Jennifer Holiday interview recently and she was a little irritated that shes never been able to let go of her character role, "Effie" , on Dream Girls because shes built her whole career around that musical.

On somedays I know exactly how Jennifer Holiday feels because however much the mainstream entertainment industry has decided to bamboozle my endeavors, all I have to say to them is, "And I'm a Telling you That I'm Not Going" .

xoxo

Mr. Happy

2012-02-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be taking a break from blogging but this idea has been cruising around in my brain for the past couple of days and has been wanting to come out, so here it goes.

Lately on Facebook, I've been giving away free, "Lady Toys" , to all my girlfriends on Facebook. Not personally I mean. I know some of you are thinking, "eww, you mean washing your old toys off and them sending them off" , uh no.

I have a friend who works for Jimmy Jane Adult Toys, which is based here in San Francisco and he gets the hook up on free toys. Of course he never uses the free perk for himself so gives a lot of the store merchandise away to his friends.

So me being the person I am, of course I had to jump on the chance and see if any of my girlfriends needed a, "Lady Stress Reliever" .

So far, more than a handful of my Facebook friends have been hooked up, anonymously of course.

I have to say with all the Mr. Happy's that he sent out, I'm a little jealous that I don't have a vagina so I could use one on myself, more directly a clitoris.

Because I was born a man in this life, I will never know the joy of being able to stimulate my hot cookie with a love iron. : (

I mean I guess I could massage my anus with a vibrator but I know it would not be the same, for one it would look awkward and secondly, I would probably get really tired of having to reach around every time, not fun.

However, because I am in touch with my body, I do have pleasure points, and I know exactly how to use them.

For instance, my G-Spot is at the bottom of my feet, crazy huh.

I never knew this until I spent an afternoon on a massage foot machine at the Santa Monica Pier in Los Angeles, California.

On a comedy outing with my mom, we had some down time and spent the afternoon checking out Venice Beach. We love doing the tourist thing and walked around as much as we could.

After having walked around for so long, we needed a break, and viola, there it was, these pulsating foot massage machines that operated on quarters.

The foot massage machines were pleasantly placed outside a vendor shop, they were bulky looking, with these two big metals plates resting at the bottom of the machine.

When I hopped on and put my quarters in, the sudden vibrations sent a whizzing chill of amusement through my feet until it inspired my body to burst out with a big chuckle.

After I let my uncontrollable laugh out, my mom who was on the foot machine next to me and just looked at me crazy like, "whats wrong with you" ?

I'm very sure I wasn't sexually turned out by the foot massage machines but I can see if this pulsating vibration button was just set a little higher in the body, I probably would have died on that machine, in a good way of course.

OMG, over the next couple of years on my trips to L.A. , I was always sure to visit the Santa Monica Pier and on one fateful trip, the foot vibrating machines were no longer there. : (

Logically any sensible person would seek out a portable machine so they could copy that feeling and recreate it again and again but I decided not to.

After all, I know what kind of addictive personality I have and have other vices I'm trying to get over like chocolate.

xoxo

Goodbye Horses

2012-02-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

OMG, I was listening to this song last night at the club and it made me want to put on my strawberry chapstick.

For those of you who don't know know, "Goodbye Horses" , is the song that serial killer Buffalo Bill prances around to while putting on make up and wearing womens skin in the movie, "Silence of the Lambs" .

Also, I've decided to take a mini break from blogging. I have lots of past blogs to flip through for your reading pleasure, so feel free to check them out. And going by my blog counter, my previous blogs are the most popular.

So I'll you guys again in a few.

xoxo

Dear Margaret Cho

2012-01-24T15:11:00.001-08:00

Hey guys, I was reading Margaret Cho's blog and she was reaching out to her fans, she was saying how much she enjoys the comments on her blog and encourages people to leave them, so, seeing as how shes one of my big comedy idols, heres the note I left her.

----------------------------------------------------------------

1/24/2012 at 3:08 pm

Hey Margaret,

do you know whats funny, I still find myself defending your comedy to other people. Lastnight a co-worker was all, “whose that large Asian comedian who goes for shock value” , and I was all, “oh no you didn’t” .

I think he saw one of your old comedy specials and even then I still wouldn’t have considered you large back then.

So, if you and your fans want to bombard his facebook page, telling him how much of a jerk he is, heres his facebook link:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/danielxcheng

A thank you is not necessary, just keep the funny coming.

On a more personal note, I really wish we could have been friends but seeing as how everything played out the way it did, its probably for the best on everyones account.

I hope you continue to live each day to the fullest and the happiest!

Sincerely,

The Gay Native American Comedian a.k.a
Charlie Ballard

At Last - Etta James

2012-01-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

Another one of Rock & Roll legends has passed away - Etta James.

Theres not enough that can be said about her soulful voice and wonderous songs.

One of my favorites from Etta is, "At Last" .

I was so moved by this song it inspired me to do a drag performance a couple years back, its such a classy song from a classy lady.

RIP Etta!

xoxo

Joel Osteen - Preacher

2012-01-18T22:36:00.001-08:00

Tonight is the last night my Aunt Bev is in town and we spent our last evening together watching television.

At first, we tried watched Chelsea Lately on E but Bev was like, "who" ?

We watched the entire episode of Chelsea Lately and Bev ended up not liking her, that came as no surprise because my mom doesn't care for her comedy either.

Of course I had to be the one defending Chelsea Handlder. I was like, "hey, Chelsea Lately is a lot like Kathy Griffin, eventually if you keep watching her, you'll like her" . I know that sounds pretty back handed but its the truth. I really wasn't a big Kathy Griffin fan when, "My Life on the D List" , starting airing but after a while she begins to grow on you. And honestly, there really aren't that many good tv choices on cable so it's either watch Kathy Griffin or those guys who hunt aligators on the travel channel.

Before we started to watch Chelsea Lately, my mom wanted to get caught up on her Joel Osteen DVR episodes.

For those of you know who don't know, Joel Osteen is a Southern Baptist Preacher who has his sermons televised on National tv from Houston, Texas.

He's one of my moms favorite evangelical preachers and since shes a fan, of course I've tuned in a couple times to hear what he has to say.

His sermons are great because he always starts off with a joke.

Some of you may know his wife, shes a preacher too. She was in the news a couple years back for getting into an altercation with a flight attendent.

So, tonight Joel Olsteen was on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) being interviewed by Oprah herself. She asked him some good questions and the question I was most privy to was the one about he felt on gays.

Oprah flat out asked him what he thinks about the Gays and he said, "homosexuality is a sin" .

I bit my tongue until the end of the show and said, "well, I've been on board with everything he had to say until he called me a sinner" . There's just something about alienating your viewers that I find discomforting.

How dare he.

Of course my mom came to his defense by saying he was just quoting scripture and I was like, "that man is the head of a large congregation and hes just it reinforcing negative beliefs that people already have against us" .

And come to think of it, scripture was written by man, so really, a long time ago, some old religious fanatic who was in charge of religious interpretation, and who was probably a white man, wrote all these really hateful doctrines condemning gays, races, creeds, and whoever else went against their mantras.

Of course Oprah didn't have to ask Joel where he stood on gay marriage because that was a no brainer.

I have to say, even though I watched that program a couple of hours ago, I'm still heated with resentment and anger, being hated by strangers is not something I'm fond of.

This is whats wrong with the world. This is why theres hatred, violence, death, and ugliness geared towards innocent people. All this is, is a form of religious civil discrimination, its nothing new and has gone on for years.

Millions of millions of innocent people have died in religious crusades, inquisitions, bio-logical warfare, ethnic cleansings, and for why, because they're different?

I'm so sick of it.

Those religious fanatics have a popular saying, "hate the sin, love the sinner" .

Well I got news for them, they're the sinners for all the hate they preach.

I have met too many wonderful LGBT people who are great parents, community leaders, and productive citizens to believe they are anything less.

But I'm okay and would recommend everyone else not to get bent of shape over this issue. These religious fanatics people are only a small faction of whats wrong with the world. We have a our supporters and they know first hand what kind of people we truly are.

So I still have hope these people will someday be able to see through their close mindedness and find love and acceptence the people in the world who different from them.

xoxo

Super Exhausted

2012-01-14T22:47:00.001-08:00

We left Monterey Bay today right after check out and then we made a short trip to Santa Cruz to show Bev the boardwalk and eat some corn dogs.

From now on, I will only eat fresh corn dogs. I hate eating corn dogs that have been sitting under the heat lamp for god knows how long.

My mom use to take us to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk when we younger and I have some great memories from that place.

We walked past the wooden roller coaster called the, "Big Dipper" , and my mom said, is that ride you made you cry and yes it was.

When I was kid, I feared that roller coaster so much. I remember when we were kids, I waiting in line 2 hours with my brother trying to convince myself that I was going to get on the coaster. I just conquered the, "Little Dipper" , roller coaster earlier and was still feeling pretty juiced. And as we got closer in the line I remember my heart beating fast and then trying to play it off with a tough bravodo like riding the Big Dipper wasn't going to be a big deal. I kept telling myself I could do it but when I saw everyone board the coaster and then watched it shoot off like a pistol into a big dark cavernous hole, I just couldn't do it and thats when I bolted.

Of course now that I'm older, riding the big coaster isn't a bid deal and I wasn't there for roller coaster closure because I did that many years after the fact but damn if that boardwalk doesn't always make me feel like I need to prove something to myself and to the people around me, hence the softball throw carnival game.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with this carnival game, you pay 3$ and get 2 softballs to try and knock out a plastic plate.

If anyone knew me from when I was younger, they would tell you that I use to throw like a limp wristed little bitch, with a non-aerodynamically correct behind the back wrist toss that use to hurt my shoulder from throwing like that. I mean, I could throw but it just didn't right the way I did it.

Who knew there was an art to throwing a baseball?

After years of watching guys throwing a ball, I finally got it down.

So the fact that I was standing there with the single minded task of trying to knock down a plastic plate really wasn't my goal.

I just finally wanted to show my mom and my aunt that I finally know how to throw like a boy.

And yes, I missed the plastic plate(s)completely but I didn't care because now I was so proud of my masculine semi-pro baseball pitch.

I suppose if I wanted to kill the whole experience, I could actually learn aim but then that would take all the fun out of it.

xoxo

p.s. after re-reading this blog, there is some serious gay sub-text in this blog, haha.

Madonna

2012-01-14T02:53:00.000-08:00

Madonna has been in the news recently, I guess shes pissed that Lady Gaga has been sampling her music and she feels ripped off, whatev's Madge.

Madonna did the same thing to Gwen Stefani when Gwen was rocking blonde hair. Madonna basically said Gwen was ripping off her blonde image.

I love Madonna like the next person but I really think Madonna has gone too far with her claims, after all, Madonna ripped of Marylin Monroe's look for her Blond Ambition Tour.

But I guess thats Madonna's personality for you, somehow she has to make it about her.

xoxo

Margaret Cho - Tattoo Lady

2012-01-14T01:50:00.000-08:00

In recent news, Comedian Margaret Cho erupted on her twitter page because of some unruly comments from fans on her new tattoo's.

Oh girl, Margaret Cho is the last person you want to fuck with when it comes to body image and self esteem issues.

Did these fans not remember the name of her first one woman show, "I'm The One I Want" , that whole show was about Margaret coming to terms with self acceptance and finding resolution in show business and life.

Its because of these fucked up beauty standards that so many young adults have eating disorders like anorexia & bulimia, which breed bad self esteem and self hatred for the soul.

And through it all, Margaret has found a way to break free from the beauty status quo and love everything about herself, which really is to be commended.

And do you what the strange part is, when Margaret reacted her fans didn't like the language she used in the way she responded to these hater tweets.

Are you fucking serious, have these people who are supposedly her, "fans" , never seen Margaret perform live on concert, her liberal use of the English language is what her a star in the first place, duh.

If Margaret wants to tat her body up, thats her business. And if she wants to share her new tat pics with the world, they should be grateful shes even decided to share them in the first place.

Point being, if anyone can't say anything nice about anything then they should be keeping that shit to themselves.

Go Team Margaret!

On a personal note, I can identify with Margaret on these issues because I know I don't exactly have the prettiest face and I know I don't have the best body shape and right now I have these two fine ass guys in my life who like me for me, I'm just now realizing that they like me because of my confidence, and that makes me feel good about myself because I know I'm a good person and I'm glad they can see it too.

xoxo

Project Runway All Stars Ep.2

2012-01-14T00:56:00.000-08:00

"Couture in a Day" ...

is how this challenge began for Project Runway All Stars Episode 2.

The challenge was to design a ball gown for the opera, the designers were given a 350$ budget and commissioned to design the most fabulous ball gown of their dreams.

Let's start with who I thought should have went home this week, April.

April took a big gamble this week and dyed her fabric which in the end made it look worse. Her notion to color the fabric was a good idea but the execution was poor. The end result made her dress look like it was dipped in hamburger grease.

Although Micheal didn't win this week, I thought his dress was the most eye popping. As soon as I saw him lay the beaded feather neckpiece around his mannequin, I knew the rest of his dress was going to be a cake walk.

This weeks winner went to the resident ball gown designer on the show, Austin. Austin gave the best tv moment with his facial reaction after learned he had won. If anyone has never seen a queens head explode, this is what it looks like.

Jerell gets honorable mention from me when quite in fact, he and Austin worked in the same color palate this week and personally, I thought Jerell killed it but when it comes to competitive high fashion, it boils down to personal taste.

Other notes from the show:

1) Mondo got the best runway track music with his model.

2) Kinley is still happy that Joanna is there mentor this season and not Tim Gunn. And plus I really didn't like her pink/black polka dot dress but her design did fit her personality.

3) Rami made a nice dress this week but his trademark pleating was reminiscent of his earlier final PR collection, which we've already seen. He's going to have to pick up his game otherwise he called out for doing the same ole same ole.

4) I'm still waiting for Isaac Mizrahi to rip his face off and say, "surprise bitches, its really me Tyra Banks" , in which every queen in America will pass out from too much excitement.

xoxo

Dear LeeLee

2012-01-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

In case anyone whose been reading my blogs lately, you'll notice a certain someone has been leaving hateful comments at the end of my blogs, and yes, I do know who it is, so watch as I try to handle this in a tactful manner, enjoy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear LeeLee,

You are over doing it with your comments, again, as usual.

Even my own worst enemies don't leave comments like the ones you've been leaving.

Whats with the hostility girl, is it because the last time we hung out in Phoenix a certain somebody got too wasted at Club Charley's and had to find her own way back to the motel in the back of a police car, thats why you don't get out of it. But I will give you guys points for finding a clever way back to the room after spending all of your money at the bar.

And you wonder why I said if you come to Florida with us that you're going to have to pay for your own way out there.

Now, getting back to the comments.

I would tell you start your own blog so I can start leaving comments on your blogs but I know Craigslist doesn't do that, that's right girl, I know you've been trolling on Craigslist looking at dick pics, haha. *trying not to act surprised*

What tramp, what you got to say to that?

Love you girl!

xoxo

Role Model

2012-01-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Last month I emailed this lady from Sherman Indian High School for a possible comedy show/motivational talk to give at my old high school and so far, I haven't heard back from her.

Usually when they don't email back, thats their polite way of saying, "we're not interested" . I'm use to rejection in show business because theres usually more demand then there is supply or plainly put, they just don't want me.

However, this is a gig that I really wanted. I have not been back to Sherman since I graduated back in 1992 and really theres no reason for me to go back. For a while, I did want to go back Sherman and be a Social Studies or Law teacher and maybe coach volleyball. Over the years I visited Sherman many times in my night dreams, being so familiar with the dormitory rooms, the swimming pool, the gymnasium, the palm trees, the cafeteria, the courtyard in front of Ramona Hall and always knowing that however distorted the campus was in my sleep, I always knew where I was.

Ironically, Sherman was the very first place that I saw a Native stand up comedian perform, I don't remember his name but his jokes were very Native.

From what I told, I guess the school is looking for alumni to comeback to share their success stories with the students. I'm pretty sure I have the right qualifications for the gig:

1) College Graduate
- I got my B.A. in American Indian Studies and Associate of Arts in Liberal Arts from Haskell Indian Nations University in Lawrence, Kansas.

2) Clean & Sober
- I've been clean and sober since 1998. Drinking was never my thing, I only did it to see what the big deal was and got sucked into it. Its not as easy to walk away from as most people think.

3) STD Free
- I have managed to keep a clean bill of health and not contract any sexually transmitted diseases.

4) Accomplished Stand Up Comedian
- 9 years experience, has been on television, played colleges, comedy clubs and has done many comedy benefits for different organizations, has been written about in several publications with the last one being in, "The Vangardist" , which is a gay mens magazine in Germany. I was actually very honored be asked to be apart of the Vagardist because they promote avante-garde artists from their respective backgrounds and for an International gay mens magazine to think I'm on the forefront with my work, I can't begin to show enough enough gratitude and appreciation for that recognition.

5) Pro Family Values, Pro Marriage for everyone, Pro Happiness as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone around you.

I do know first hand what it takes to pursue your dreams and all the hard work it takes into getting the leg work done.

Like my friends I went to school, I'm well aware of the decisions that we make today and how they can impact our lives and the people around us.

I've seen the early deaths of friends and how they could have been prevented from making better choices.

To make a long story short, I've been there and know what works and what doesn't work.

And if I never get a chance to speak to the youth at large, I'm not going to lose sleep over it because somehow the young people that need my guidance always seem to find me. I guess thats the benefit of being the only visible Gay Native American stand up comedian because now other young two spirits have somebody to identify with.

And I will continue to take time out of my schedule to answer any questions they have about life, just like the elders before me who took time out've their lives to help me with mine.

So if anyone thinks I don't know what it takes to be a good role model, fuck you.

xoxo

Fuck

2012-01-10T20:09:00.003-08:00

I just got done cleaning and my hands are a mess. I can see why LeeLee's hands are the way they are because she never used gloves in all her years of cleaning, the harsh chemicals in those cleaners really are ferocious, so the point of this, use gloves when cleaning.

But I did get a certain satisfaction knowing I got something done today. I got the fridge, the bathroom, and some other light cleaning done. I still have the rest of the garage but thats turning into a project. We have so much old junk to throw out, the hard part is letting go of it.

Speaking of, guess whats on my mind today.

I finally got my current boy toy at work to admit that he wants me.

Last night I gave him an ultimatum, I said, "this is your last chance to get rid of me, just tell me one thing and you'll never have to worry about me ever again, admit to me that you don't want me and it'll all be over" .

haha.. I know .. I'm so dramatic but do you know what he said, "I do want you" .

That fucker.

That really was his chance to let me go but it sounds like hes not ready to.

So, like the dance hall diva I am, I just looked at him, waved my hair, walked away and said, "see you tomorrow" .

As I walked away, I quickly turned around to see if he was smiling and he was. I love making him smile because it brings a certain joy to my heart.

And amazingly, this isn't a sexual thing at all.

Okay well it is 50%, he is good looking and has everything I like but I'm so over getting played or playing myself.

Isn't there like a rap song about not playing yourself because that theme is starting to get old with me.

On that note, I hope I haven't become to old in this life to find real love.

xoxo

Project Runway All Stars Ep.1

2012-01-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

I finally got caught up on the season premiere of Project Runway All Stars on Lifetime television. I could not and I repeat, I could not wait for this show to start already. I thought it was supposed to air earlier this Fall but I guess the show producers didn't want to overexpose the PR franchise.

They brought back so many wonderful designers from the previous seasons I'm sure it's going to tough week in and week out as to who stays and who goes.

Here's a quick list from the season premiere of what I liked and didn't like, their first competition was an innovation challenge from the 99 cent store.

The winner from the first weeks challenge is Rami. I have to admit, his construction was very eye catching. I like the use of the plaids, this dress looks very fun and futuristic. Did I tell everyone that I met Rami when he came to SF for Halloween a couple of years ago and couldn't remember his name to save my life, I was like, "yeah, I can't remember your name but you lost to Christian" . *ouch*

Coming in a close 2nd is one of my personal favorites - Mondo. His signatures are very present in his first design, like the bowtie headband and clever use of materials. Can you guys believe this dress is made completely out of trash bags, amazing. I also got to meet Mondo when he clubbing in the Castro at the Qbar during Juanita More's, "Booty Call Wednesdays" , Mondo was very sweet and completely gracious.

One of my favorites from the previous seasons was Kinely, she was known for ripping off other designers without ever knowing it. Her ideas are great but they've just been done before. What I like about this dress is the construction, you can just tell this model is wearing a shower mat, it probably wouldn't be so obvious if Kenly would have cut the excess off on the right hand side but whatev's, what do I know right?

Ms. Jerreal is back with her regal designs and does so without a skipping a beat. This look is completely made out of scarfs.

To my hearts dismay, Elisa was bounced from the first show. I really loved the print and hot pants she created in her first look.

Do you know who I thought should have went home was Gordanna, her outfit was all over the place.

Slow Weekend

2012-01-08T16:38:00.001-08:00

I guess its been a slow weekend for everyone, I just got through checking some other blogs and nobodies really talking about anything, which means in the world of entertainment ain't shit going on.

You know when Perez Hilton is blogging about Pennsylvania hospitals not hiring smokers that Lindsay Lohan must be cooperating with the law and that Kim Kardashian is finally keep a low profile.

Personally, I'm great with this because I get tired of seeing of their names in the news.

Back to me.

I've been dealing with a head cold all weekend. I took NyQuil and that stuff really knocked me out. Its also been giving me some pretty lucid dreams because they have been so vivid and clear lately.

Here one I remember from last night.

I was walking through the Lake Merritt area in Oakland and saw Sonia Parsons come out of an apartment complex. Sonia is a friend I went to Sherman with. I was so happy to see her and was like, "hey Sonia, are you looking for a roommate" ? The next thing you know she escorted me over to this property right near the lake. I thought it was nice. She was trying to sell me on living there. She took me to the back patio which had a really cool view of the lake, and then she showed me this really cool feature, we were still standing inside the apartment looking out the back window when she pressed a button and then the patio slowly converted into a lawn chair and umbrella set up, with a nice grill that immediately lit up, as I looked closer and said, "omg, does that grill have a turkey on it" , and it did.

I was a little blown away by that. I was almost sold in getting the place until I asked Sonia where the washer/dryer room was. She told me to look to the left and the first thing I noticed was that it took 25 cents to operate the washer and dryer machines.

I was immediately turned off by the whole experience because I thought there was no way I was going to pay money to wash clothes in my own apartment, no thank you.

Looking back on the dream, I realized that I can have anything I want but I settled for a dingy apartment by the Lake Merritt area and on top of that, I had roommates. Nothing against Sonia, shes a sweet girl and but I want my own place.

And what was I doing dreaming small? I could of dreamt of living in a big house in the Hollywood Hills or a nice duplex apartment near Venice, California.

I guess my reality psyche is finally starting to settle in on what I want and what I can get, on which we all know is totally two different things. In order for me to make my bigger dreams happen, I guess I'm going to have to work harder and make a lot more cash, lets do this!

xoxo

Adele - Don't You Remember

2012-01-07T01:04:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite Adele songs right now, I love it.

I know I'm torturing myself by listening to her, "I'm so not over it" , love songs but if you've ever been hurt or if your heart has ever been broken then you would understand all the feeling and emotions behind the lyrics.

And whats really fucked up is how we give certain people this power over us to make us feel like that in the first place, all we want is for them to love us back the way we love them.

xoxo

Shit White Girls Say...to Black Girls

2012-01-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

OMG, this vid was hilarious and so true, watch out white girls, you just been served.

xoxo

Glenn Close Tribute

2012-01-06T02:29:00.000-08:00

Did anyone watch the Kennedy Center Honors for 2011. The Barbara Cook tribute was the best. The Glenn Close, "Losing My Mind" , tribute to Barbara was very moving, she took those other young songstresses to school.

Anne Hathaway's emotion in the audience at the end of the performance pretty much sums up how I and the rest of the world felt after hearing Glenn's heartfelt performance, astonishing.

xoxo

Karmin - Adele Cover

2012-01-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

This Adele cover by Karmin is a little better. When you listen to covers by other artist, it makes you realize how talented and original the people are for whoever created the music in the first place.

The test will come when Karmin starts writing her own music and if its good.

xoxo

Karmin - LMFAO Cover

2012-01-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

This little lady has been getting a lot of buzz for covering other artist hits as well she should, her melodies are off the hook.

Watch out for her in 2012!

xoox

also follow her on twitter:

www.twitter.com/karminmusic

She's Trippin

2012-01-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

Guess whose been in the news lately, Tiger Woods divorcee Elin Nordegren recently bought a 12 million dollar home in Florida only to have it bulldozed.

I guess she can do that from her 100 million dollar divorce from Tiger.

Here's what the house looked like before she dozed it.

and now heres what the land looks like after its been bull dozed.

Wow, is she stupid or what.

Common sense says that she should have bought a piece of clear land and built from ground up.

This is definitely a trend for women with money. I have seen some of the Housewives of Atlanta pull the same shit.

They're like, "OMG, I just can't live a house where someone else has lived before" .

This is obviously an attitude they can afford because daily people don't pull shit like that, at least not on that scale.

Money is weird that way, it makes people do stupid stuff when you have more than enough or none at all.

xoxo

Man Talk

2012-01-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

This video is so funny, hats off to Dallas for making such funny video's!

xoxo

Gay Advice for Straight Men

2012-01-03T22:48:00.001-08:00

Theres a lot of hot straight men who work in the Castro area in San Francisco, which is the Gay Capitol of the United States because they have managed to find their niche in our market, so listen closely hot straight guys, here are 5 money making schemes to find those gay dollars.

5) Find a nice waiter job in the Castro or an establishment that is frequented by the gays. Studies have shown that gay men are the best tippers and studies have also shown that hot straight men get the highest tips from gay men.

4) Find a gay pub/nightblub/bar to bartend at. 70% of the bartenders in the Castro bars are hot straight men and the gays love them. If you can handle get hit on, breaking up fights between two messy queens on meth then this is the job for you. Hot bartenders gay or straight make fat tip money in the clubs, but hot bartenders in gay establishments make the most, fact.

3) Hot Go Go dancers are always in demand in gay clubs, if you have enough confidence to wear a G-string and flash your junk to house music for some quick money, this might be your thing.

2) Gay Porn. You guys might have heard the expression gay for pay, a lot of straight men let other guys suck their dicks or only top other men. I know I know, you'd think that any kind sex between two men is gay but lots of straight men who have sex with other men have created these, "loop holes" , to justify their means, which also means no kissing because that's considered super-gay.

1) Gay Prostitution is the top money making scheme for the Gay Market. If you play your cards right, you can make 10,000$ in 2 weeks. Thats a lot of fucking & sucking but the money is there.

Good luck straights guys and we'll see you on the track.

xoxo

Letter to Idol

2012-01-02T23:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Idol,

I hope we never meet again because you ended up being such a personal disappointment to me. The energy and excitement I had during our first meet was genuinely real and I'll never forget it. But thats me I suppose, I have never been known not to wear my feelings on my sleeves because I'm like that to everyone.

I should have known we weren't going to be friends when I caught you rolling your eyes at me in the hallway all those years ago, not unless your eyeballs were really itchy at that precise moment.

I guess I am the sucker, for years I thought we'd have so much in common or so I thought.

I'm not sorry I didn't play the pretend game like the others around you and not act like I was too cool to meet you.

I'm not sorry I bought your stupid tshirts, cd's, and other commemorative junk with your name on it.

I'm not sorry for all the entertainment you gave me over the years, especially at times when I felt lonely and thought no other person understood me.

I guess I've just been really really naive so I thank you for opening my eyes.

Of course I'm sure our paths will cross again but the next time I see you, there won't be as much joy in my heart to see your face. I guess I'll have to act like the other people around you, I'll have to put on a fake smile, nod, then casually walk away from you as if nothing you said or did meant anything to me.

Oh yeah, is it tacky to ask you to reimburse me for all the concert money I paid to see you over the years because if it weren't for you, I could have bought 2 really good used cars by now.

Sincerely,

Former #1 Fan

Madonna - Harper's Bazarr Photos

2012-01-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

I really didn't want to start my 2012 blog with the penis beat boxing video but that shit was hella funny.

Getting back to what I wanted my first blog for 2012 to start with, I found this idea when I missed my latenight bus back to Oakland on New Year's, so while I had to wait another hour for the next bus to come, I went inside Deleaur's 24 hrs. News Stand and saw this fabulous magazine cover with Madonna on the pic.

My last blog for 2011 was about how Willow Smith and Lady Gaga are the future of pop music, that might be so but until they come into their legendary status, the Queen of Trash *Madonna* is still holding court and you can tell this by her very beautiful black & white pictures from Harper's Bizaar magazine. (Nov/Dec 2011)

Of all her photos, this one was my favorite, its amazing how young and beautiful Madonna still looks, in this pic shes reading a book which gives off the an innocent vibe and she almost looks likes exactly her daughter Lourdes, uncanny.

If any of you do get a chance to read this months Harper's Bizaar issue with Madonna's, "Director's Cut" , article you'll notice she does get annoyed that now a days when people mention her name, they always tag her age right next to it. I don't think thats a bad thing because most people are stunned on how amazing she looks for being 50.

For young straight men Madonna is a MILTF - "Mother I'd Like To Fuck" , for younger gay men such as myself, Madonna's a MILTPW - "Mother I'd Love To Party With" , go girl.

For me, my goal is take beautiful pics just like her. Maybe its Madonna's aura or energy but she translates really well onto film, when I take pics like this I always come off a little ridiculous. If any of you think I might be suggesting Madonna's photos are a little ridiculous, thats because I am suggesting that but the difference between her and me, shes got ridiculous down to an art form where on Madonna it looks classy, glamorous, sexy, larger than life and fun, here's another photo that illustrates my point:

This was my last favorite photo from the spread, here she modeling a cape that was priced at $2,100, wow.

Capes are nice if they're made well and modeled by the right people.

Her last photo was not one of my favorites but still, its definitely noteworthy. For those of you who don't know, Madonna's currently ventured into directing movies, here she posing with the the star of her new film, "W.E." with actress, Andrea Riseborough. It looks like she got bit by the directors bug while being married to her former husband Guy Ritchie.

Harper's Bizaar photos by Tom Munroe

xoxo

Penis Beat Boxing

2012-01-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

After watching this video, all I could think was, "oh know he didn't" .. haha

xoxo

The Cutest Celeb Photo for 2011

2011-12-31T23:49:00.000-08:00

Hands down it goes to Willow Smith and Lady Gaga!

Willow Smith scored a front row seat at 2011's Grammy Awards courtesy of her new BFF Lady Gaga. Turns out the pint-size singer may have influenced the pop queen's Grammy night performance. During an appearance on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" that week, Gaga revealed, "I actually know Will and I love Willow, and I actually told her that she inspired me to whip my hair back and forth on stage." (02/13/2011) - OMG YAHOO

These ladies really are the future of pop music, for the next couple of decades at least.

Happy New Year Everyone!

xoxo

Joe Rogan

2011-12-31T21:58:00.000-08:00

After hours of online searching, I finally found the Joe Rogan photo which inspired this blog in the first place and here it is.

There was just something about this MMA inspired photo that makes him look attractive.

Many of you may know Comedian/Actor/Host Joe Rogan from NBC's, "Fear Factor" , or his role on NBC's, "News Radio" .

As much as I think Joe Rogan is cute, I'm not really a fan of his comedy. I've been to his show before and hes just not my cup of tea but that shouldn't suggest that I don't think he's hot because he is.

For me, certain comedians are able to capture my imagination and he isn't one of them. I'm sure he's funny to tons of people, which are mostly young straight men in the 18 - 25 demo, I'm just not one of them. I think they like him because he's a mans man, if that makes sense. He talks about everyday guy shit they can relate to like hunting, opening cans, or fixing cars, I'm assuming.

Me however, I just want to take a ride his sausage wheel.

In his bio's he ascertains himself as complex man which basically means he got, "issues" . Thats never bothered me before a man, I always thought men with issues make great lovers because when they're boning you, you can feel their passion, seriously, it makes the whole experience feel real.

I guess because of Joe Rogan I must like short men, after all he is a muscly 5'8, wow, can I keep the wrapping box he came in?

What intrigues more about Joe Rogan is that he knows how to do the splitz.

Do you guys know how hard it is to the splitz, its not eazy. I've actually been thinking about doing a man show next show with a splitz theme.

While searching the web for Joe Rogan pics, the best one I came across was this one where hes laughing with a tv audience. I like this one because it shows he vulnerable and has feelings coated inside that rough exterior.

xoxo

Celebrity - "Excuse My Beauty"

2011-12-31T14:40:00.000-08:00

I really don't think of myself as a celebrity but more of an entertainment blogger/versatile power bottom/chanteuse of stand up comedy/penis connoisseur/chimichanga adventurer and so on.

Most people know my prowess as the Gay Native American stand up comedian but the # 1 Gay Native American public figure is Steven A.K.A as , "Excuse My Beauty" , who is a bonified web super star since being busted by the police on the reality show, "Cops" .

Her, "Excuse My Beauty" , video on youtube has accumulated hundreds of thousands of hits, which has been taken down, reposted , taken down and reposted again only to garner thousands of more video hits.

Who would have ever thought this Navajo tranny, who was waiting for her cousin Tate to pick up her would become an international web sensation?

I really love how the officer introduces the scenerio, "a group of guys that are cross-dressers that kind of sell themselves for money to buy liquor and alcohol" , uhhhhh duh Mr. Officer, those malt liquor beverages aren't going to pay for themselves.

And when you watch the video, the officer said there were a group of cross-dressers when only the visible tranny seen is Steven.

OMG and are you serious, the Albuquerque Police Dept must of not had anything else better to do because they're busting Steven's chops over stolen ballons? Whatev's. I used to live in Albuquerque and the APD could have better spent their time tracking down real criminals rather then harassing tranny hookers who were only having afternoon cocktails at Circle K.

I suppose what makes this video great is how Steven's fierce spirit shines through! As soon as the officer asks where Steven's I.D. is, she fires back and says, "I'm from Arizona" , and you can just feel the defiance, fearlessness, and discontent for the law in her voice as if this whole experience is just beneath her. And whats really good, even though Steven knows and all the viewers know shes going to jail, that doesn't stop from her from going to toe to toe with the cop.

The best exchange between the officer and Steven is when:

Officer: "what have you been arrested for"

Steven: "who me" ?

Officer: "yeah, you're who I'm talking to right"

Steven: "attitude ... "

Officer: "attitude, why do you get disorderly" ?

Steven: "ehw no I never got arrested or convicted"

Officer: "so how do you get arrested for attitude"

Steven: "because I'm always buzzed"

You go girl, I suppose thats why so many Americans and people worldwide can relate to his video, I mean c'mon, who has never brushed with the law when a little alcohol wasn't involved?

The most eye popping visual in this video is when they showed Steven's tranny camel toe for days, for days girl.

The other thing that caught my eye is when the officer specifically interrogated Steven, its no coincidence he was the officer questioning her when the camera's were on him. There whole interaction was dramatic, far fetched, interesting, entertaining, funny, strange, and most of all, sensational.

Steven has become such a pop cult sensation that an artist rendered a painting of her, which has been affectionately titled: Excuse My Beauty

You better work!

xoxo

New Years Resolutions for 2012

2011-12-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what I want my New Years Resolutions to be for 2012 because when I look back on this past year - 2011, everything turned out pretty cool.

But here they are in particular order is what I'll be working on for 2012:

#1 - For 2011, I really didn't make that much money from stand up comedy. My goal in 2012 is to get more booked in stand up comedy and make some serious cash.

For one thing, the money I was making off my stand up gigs in the previous years paid off my credit cards. This past year I accumulated some serious debt on my credit cards and it was a bitch trying to pay off with the money I was making from my restaurant tips. I could not have done it without my annual casino per cap and with help from my brother, so thanks bro.

And not to mention my dental bill from the Indian clinic kicked my ass too. The front desk people at the Urban Indian Health said I could postpone my balance but I wanted to knock it out because if I didn't, that bill would have stuck with me for a long time.

#2 - For now, my big thing in 2012 will be not to spend money I don't have. I still have my Fed Return and Indian Trust Fund Settlement checks coming so that will help me move around if I need to travel.

I have some leads for other gigs but until those fall through, I can't count on them.

#3 - Its no big surprise that I have been wanting to move out my moms house and start my new life in Los Angeles, California. To make that happen, first I need a car because I am not going no where near L.A. without my personal wheels. The public transportation is not like it is here in the Bay Area where you really don't need a car.

So for next year, I'll be concentrating on saving my pennies for my big move and a car. I could leave right now but I don't want to leave the Bay Area in debt. The Bay Area has been my real home and has always treated me so well even when back in the 90's a psychic told me there's nothing here for me anymore and that I should move on. She was so wrong and I was very happy to have started my stand up comedy career in San Francisco, California.

#4 - Health wise, starting tomorrow I'm going to make an effort to eat better and maintain a decent weight size for my body.

For the past two months I've been jogging regularly and I feel all of that might be going down the drain if I'm headed out to McDonald's after each run.

#5 - I really do want to invest into a better wardrobe because my weight problem has stopped me from buying better clothes.

I really do hate wearing sweats but they're so comfortable. I'm sure everyone who sees me in SF is tired of seeing me wear them all the time. Either that or I have to buy some new pairs and get rid of these ones.

#6 - I will say this, I'm not one of those comedians who get shit handed to them on a silver platter, I've had to work hard for everything I have. I would be nice if I got picked up by a big time talent agency and didn't have to carry stress load for getting booked or always having to find work for myself.

#7 - I really do have to stop wasting my time talking to straight dudes who never give me any dick. Don't get me wrong, I love all my straight guys friends but damn, lets go guys, start coughing it up.

#8 - I have to get more involved with the local casting groups in San Franciso. That's one big thing I know I can count on for picking up some extra change. Hell yeah I can stand on a movie set as an extra and get paid for not doing shit.

#9 - I really hope Adele tours next year and hits the Bay Area. I would so love love love to see her in concert. Somewhere late this past year I became a huge fan and now, shes all I listen too.

#10 - Lets see, I already asked for more big dick encounters in 2012 right? Okay, just making sure I got my bases covered. haha just playing no but seriously, my big thing for 2012 will be to stay the fuck off the internet.

Alright guys in 2012, I just know 2012 is going to be a fabulous year, end of the world or not.

xoxo

San Francisco Conservatory Music BART Recital

2011-12-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

You don't have to walk far in San Francisco to discover talent.

These students are from the San Francisoc Conservatory School of Music and here they are giving BART commuters a wonderful recital at the Montgomery St. BART station in downtown San Francisco, California!

Vanguardist Interview Translation

2011-12-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

Heres the English text translation from the Vanguardist website:

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost Fetish
Charlie Ballard on life as a gay Indian comedian.

TEXT by: Michaela Mayer, David Winterberg

"Many men go out with me because I am an Indian. Does that make me now to such a kind of fetish?" Charlie Ballard, 37, is a gay Indians and
treated as a stand-up comedian open the issue of "Native Americans"
and homosexuality.

"The situation of the so-called Native Americans or American Indians'
in the United States is very difficult to summarize because there are
so many different peoples, and each has its own problems," says
Ballard. The majority of Indians still live in or near directly into
the 250 reserves of the United States. Many "American Indians", but
already live in large cities, as well as Charlie Ballard, who himself
grew up in California.

Indian means to be poor
In all cases, the socio-economic situation of the Indians is sobering.
Thus, the average annual income of Indian households, nearly 50
percent below the U.S. average. Indians are still among the population
group with the worst health, and are especially alcohol abuse,
unilateral or malnutrition and poor health care to the most important
causes. Due to the non-recognition of their indigenous rights, and
their limited self-determination, they are often dependent on welfare
benefits, giving them the majority in society often brings a
reputation as "social parasites".

Charlie Ballard also addresses this issue and believes that most
people knew nothing about the relationship between indigenous and the
U.S. government. Ignorance and prejudices about Indians are
characterized by defective or the history books, what people saw in
the film and television over them.

The lack of understanding of the society towards the indigenous
cultures show in recent decades also common among the so-called sacred
sites: traditional, sacred sites, the construction projects will often
not taken into consideration.

"Precisely that is relevant again in Vallejo, California, where a
giant amusement park to be built on a sacred indigenous burial
grounds. The people are not interested in our country or our
traditional ways of life. If the people so desperately want this
amusement park, then they should build these but kindly on their own
cemetery and dig their own graves, in order to build a playground! "

Early Outing
An indigenous descent to have meant to him, especially not to think
only of themselves, but in daily life also always the welfare of the
entire Indian community in view. So to his role models are especially
those strong female Native American activists who are worried about
all the families and future generations. "I'm lucky to know some of
these indigenous leaders, and try to follow their example. We still
have some old traditional members, sharing our cultures and values
of a caring, peaceful coexistence to younger generations, otherwise we
would be lost. "

His homosexuality, Charlie Ballard has known very early on. "I've
always known that I feel more attracted to the same sex. My parents
have noticed very early by my feminine behavior. I'm just for the
acceptance of my parents and very grateful that I got a chance to live
my life the way I want. Of course there were also family members who
were not exactly enthusiastic, but with time and understanding, which
has provided. "

"My place as a gay tribe, but I only found when I went to boarding
school and there met many like-minded people from many different
tribes had, gave me a greater sense of meaning or purpose in life.
Most critical, however, those Indians who were converted to
Christianity are the most severely. "

"In any case, I believe it today, Two-Spirit widget generation through
the internet and social networking easier than previous. They are
still facing the same problems and challenges such as homophobia,
sexism, or hatred, they can still fall back on a much larger community
- a mouse click away. "

"My homosexuality has me as a stand-up comedian is not harmed, rather
my habit, often vulgar, perform direct and uncompromising. However, I
take into account, as I would like to talk openly and honestly with
the people and the heart. I would later be remembered as funny, no
matter how I label the other, or me. "

At the end, his favorite punch? "I have them not, because I'm never
really satisfied with what I write or think of me, but I can tell you
one thing: I do love a good dick joke, obviously ...!"

Hard facts:
Name: Charlie Ballard
Age: 37
Location: Oakland, California.
Ethnicity: Anishnabe of Michigan and Sac & Fox of Oklahoma
Occupation: Stand-up Comedian
Relationship status: Single

Vanguardist Interview

2011-12-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

OMG you guys, I'm soooooooo happy right now!

My interview with the Vanguardist just came out and I couldn't be more happy with it.

Earlier this Fall I was approached by a German magazine who was interested in doing an interview on me, there were interested in doing a piece on the Two Spirits and more particularly, the Gay Native American stand up comedian they saw on youtube.

I found this on the Vanguardist website, this is what the magazine is about!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does the Vanguardist mean? The name VANGARDIST comes from the term avant-garde. They are the very guys marching in front of the troupes doing research and always looking for new paths, pioneers, so to speak VANGARDIST stands for all kinds o...f pioneers: in fashion, lifestyle, travel, technology, art and culture. It means finding your own way of living within a society while at the same time being a part of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the link to the article:

http://www.vangardist.com/en/magazin/almost-fetish

They opening photo was taken by Kris Hernandez, they also used Adam Bouska's NOH8 photo I took with him earlier this summer.

I'm so honored and grateful to have been asked to be apart of this magazine, I'm literally tearing as I write this. *sniffle sniffle*

And wow, I love the magazine, I have never seen so many hunky German men in my life, I definitely have to visit German soon!

xoxo

Love

2011-12-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged about love in a while, when I think of love, I think of several things like family, friends, food, concerts, smells, Adele, comedy, men, traveling, the Creator and ???

First and foremost I love my mom and my brother. In my last write up Rachel Swan quoted me as a person, "who doesn't mince his words" , and I think not mincing words runs in my family. Yesterday my brother was throwing up, I asked him why and without skipping a beat he said, "its your cooking" . haha .. that fucker

I know it must be hard being a parent because I have put my mom threw a lot of shit, and threw it all, shes been there for us threw thick and thin. So I say to all my friends who are new parents, you can't go wrong with unconditional love.

I love love love my friends. I recently facebooked my little cousin who attended Haskell this past Fall and even though his football season didn't turn out the greatest, I hope he got to meet some nice people while he was there because even to this day, I'm still friends with all the Natives I ever went to school with. When you make good friends with Natives, they really are for life.

If I'm not careful, food will ultimately be the death of me. So to avoid an early age heart attack I know my eating habits are going to have to change. Who doesn't love a good cheeseburger right?

While growing up, I've always been a homebody and because of it, I missed a lot of great concerts like Madonna's, "Like a Virgin" , and so on. Of course when I got older I made it a point to see all the people I missed growing up in the 80's. My first memorable concert was watching Grace Jones at the Universe in SF. I was so fucked up drunk that night but the parts I do remember were cooler than shit. I think thats the way how people remember their concert going experiences?

I'm not going to lie, I'm a sucka for fresh fragrances, whether they be natural or store bought. A good scent tells a lot about a person which is why I love wearing anything fruity, pun intended.

Adele has really been rocking my world lately. Adele is this generations answer to Stevie Nicks and they are so lucky to have her. Her romance ballads eloquently capture all the emotion from being in a relationship, go girl, its good to know not all of us get over that shit so easily. At first when I heard of Adele, I thought she was just another White British hob nob trying to cover Black folks R & B music with her obvious hood Crenshaw name but as it turns out, shes legit.

Its been 9 years of comedy for me and I must love it because I'm still doing it. I have to admit, I'm a lot better then I was from when I first started out. There have been many ups and downs over the years but its been a great experience. I really do get a lot of joy from writing jokes because I never know what I'm going to come up with, I just know its going to be good. I hope thats not too narcissistic. ;)

It's raining men, hallelujah! The first time I ever saw a mans weenie in a porn magazine, I knew it was love at first sight, whats not to like right? I suppose I have managed to have a great sex life over the years because of my mantra for men, "be good to the weenie and the weenie will good to you" , those really are words to live by.

My comedy career has taken me to so many place and because of it I have gotten to meet so many people but sometimes I miss riding the Greyhound Bus and striking up conversations with interesting people. Once I rode a bus ride from Cali to Kansas, while at the Sacramento stop, I saved a womans life who was sitting right next to me because she was choking on her rice bowl. And really, all I did was give her one good slap on the back and boom, that rice was all over us. I didn't mind that she blowed chunks all over me because it was the experience and moment I cherished so much.

I love the Creator for helping me guide my life, so thank you Creator for all your blessings.

The last love I want to cover is ?????????? because I don't know it is yet. That's really how a lot of my loves have come into my life. I took a chance and did something I wasn't use to and boom, there it was.

Who knows the what the future bring, I just hope its filled with more love and happiness.

xoxo

Thank You Santa!

2011-12-26T14:16:00.001-08:00

Santa Claus totally gave me exactly what I wanted for Christmas this year, I wanted to know who my #1 Hater Blog Fan was and when I found out, we totally giggled on the phone for an hour over the phone last night, too funny. So this means I'm opening my anonymous comments back up and for anyone to feel free to say whatever. ;)

At the request of this person, there identity did not want to be revealed but I will say this, she did leave me clues that it was her leaving the comments all along, ha ha, and hopefully this person will be able to join us in Florida next year for Gaydays.com !

Moving forward, just now I got an email from Jade that shes in town for Christmas, knowing her, shes probably already gone. I hate it when people tell me there in town the last minute and then want to get together for breakfast, whatev's, we could have spent Christmas together. I cooked this massive Christmas dinner last night and we had a lot left over, oh well, more for us.

In other news, our washer is finally getting fixed tomorrow, thank goodness.
It was such a hassle walking up the street with my laundry cart every couple of days, theres no way I would have made it through a work week without the washing machine being fixed so I'm really happy for that.

Now that 2012 is creeping upon us, its time to get to more physical and buckle down on what I eat, if I don't then theres now way the extra weight is going to come off. When you diet, it really does boil down to what you eat.

OMG, I didn't even talk about my quick trip to L.A. this past Friday, it was a fast one day trip, I went down with a friend, comedian Johan Miranda for, "Big Al's Big Ass Comedy Show" , at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood, California. We left Friday morning and got back Saturday evening. I've done one day trips to L.A. before but never by car, that trip really did take a lot out me but it was well worth it!

We left around 8:00am and pulled in around 3:00pm. We were supposed to stay with my friend Kathy but I found a really good deal on Hotwire.com for a hotel room and it was too hard to pass up. We stayed at a 3 1/2 star hotel at a 1 star price. And trust me, I know 1 star from hotwire because its bullshit.

Anyhoo, it was probably a good thing we got a room because that gave us a chance to shower, change, rest, and run around before we had to head out. And not to mention, we didn't have to worry about what time we had to be back, so the stress level factors were low.

We arrived at the Comedy Store about 6:30pm. As we were driving through L.A., there was nobody on the highways. For some reason I thought the L.A. highways were going to be a nightmare, especially on a Friday but I guess everyone went home for the holidays. It was almost like L.A. was a ghost town because nobody was out. I'm guessing many of them aren't rooted here and get homesick for the holidays.

I had about 50 people on my guest list and less then half of them showed up, which is about right. Most people who sign up for a guest list never show up so I always appreciate the people who do come out!

We were in the small comedy room upstairs called, The Belly Room" , so our intimate crowd was perfect! It would have been nice if the other comedians brought people but I guess they're still working on the followings.

Speaking of, I finally got to meet a few people from facebook which is always great! I got presented with some beautiful flowers from April Skinas, which was awesome!

and here they are again, I just love these, thank you April!

When comedian Comedian Gabriel Iglesias performs, his fans bring him cake.

So for now, if my fans want to bring me flowers, I would be totally cool with that!

Flowers are very personal to me. The Ojibwe are known through out Indian country for our traditional floral patterns so thats I why I wear flower prints on my tshirts and anywhere else. For the Anishnabe, flowers represent love and beauty, so thats why I love them so much.

SF Queer Comedian - Ricky Luna was in attendance for the show. He's been down there for a couple weeks already and from what I gather, is having a great time checking out the L.A. comedy scene. Ricky reminded me of a lot of myself the first time down there and you can just see the amazement and grand-ere in his eyes. After the show, we were all hanging outside in the Comedy Store lounge area and Ricky spotted his # 1 comedy idol - Sarah Silverman and then I was all, "lets go take a picture with that bitch" , and for once, Ricky was sooooo shy. So I walked over to Sarah and asked her if it was cool for her to pic with him of course she obliged.

Here are the pictures I took of them!

Don't they just look so adorable together?

Here they are getting acquainted like, "you say nigger in your comedy act too, so do I" !

Okay people, thats going to be it for today.

Happy a great New Year and everyone welcome back my #1 Hater Blog Stalker fan, yay, 2012 is going to be fantastic!

xoxo

2011 in Review

2011-12-25T00:56:00.000-08:00

I was going to post this blog later but I guess now is as good as time as any to write about how this past year went for me.

This is has been a crazy year, lets see if I can remember back from January.

It seems fitting I should have ended this year with doing a comedy show at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood, CA., because thats where I started the year with doing 2 shows in L.A., with NonStop Comedy, a LGBT show produced by Andrea Meyerson in Santa Monica, California and then another with Native Comedian Jim Ruel called, "All Mixed Up" , which I got to close out at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. Jim's show was amazing, there were plenty of Natives on hand that night so I got to break in a lot new Native material, which is not easy because those shows are few, far, and in between.

The beginning of the year was pretty tough for me personally, I really dug myself hole and now I can honestly say that I'm doing a lot better then I was earlier in the year. I know thats not really saying anything but again, I was going through something personal, so forgive me if I don't want to share that with you guys at this time, after all, I have to leave myself some kind of privacy right?

Things definitely picked up as the Spring rolled around. I got asked to perform in the Outlaugh Comedy Festival again at the Comedy Store and had a great time. Before that show, I got to warm with a college show for Native students at Stanford University with Jim Ruel.

This was also about the time the Revolutions began to happen in the Egypt, which quickly spread through out the Middle East.

And before you know it, a brave group of American activist called the Occupy Wall Street in NYC started a worldwide phenomenon that protested corporate and government greed, positive social change, and equal rights for the disenfranchised.

Somewhere along the way I feel in love Adele and who I can't stop listening to her songs on my youtube playlist. She had throat surgery and is doing well. I'm so glad because I can't to see her in concert. I only pay top dollar to see the best and I'm not afraid to spend a pretty penny to watch Adele sing.

The summer was nice, my mom wanted to visit the NMAI *National Musuem of the American Indian* in Washington D.C. and wanted to double the trip as a family reunion with a trip to Virginia Beach, Virginia., to visit my Aunt Beverly. For the longest, I have been wanting to visit the East Coast again and our time was great! Some of my highlights from that trip were visiting Mt. Trashmore and getting to do some comedy open mics in the D.C area.

Coming into the Fall while were still on the East Coast, I decided that when we came home I was going to produce a comedy show series. I didn't know where, I didn't when, and I certainly didn't know how it was going to turn out, okay, thats not true, when I came up with the, "Hella Gay Comedy Show" , theme which showcased a variety of talent, I did kind of knew I was onto something special. We did 5 shows in Oakland and all the hardwork I put into producing & promoting the shows paid off when we got a nice write up in the East Bay Express called, "Hella Gay Hotbed" , compliments of their music writer Rachel Swan. Thanks again Rachel!

This year was actually ending pretty good until I started getting nasty comments on my blog from some crazed stalker fan, now I know how Margaret Cho feels because thats the shit I've been doing to her all these years.

Anyhoo, lesson learned.

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!

xoxo

San Francisco Gay Mens Chorus Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T00:29:00.000-08:00

I was walking through the Castro tonight looking for something very San Francisco, iconic, gay, and Christmas. I hit the jackpot with these guys, the SF Gay Mens Chorus just finished with a performance and were kind enough to share a little bit of what they do, enjoy!

And a big Thank You to the SF Gay Mens Chorus for sharing your holiday cheer!

xoxo

San Francisco Christmas

2011-12-24T22:29:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from San Francisco!

This is my Christmas card to everyone. May all of you stay blessed, be safe and have a Merry Merry Christmas!

xoxo

Hater Stalker Fan

2011-12-21T15:21:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, its come to my attention that a hater stalker fan has been posting nasty little comments on my blogs lately which is going to change the way people can leave comments on my blogs, which really isn't a bad idea.

When my, "Hella Gay Hotbed" , article came out a couple weeks ago, someone tried to leave a comment at the bottom of that link but it was blocked by the East Bay Express because they don't allow anonymous comments.

That really is a good policy for the EBX to enforce because it makes people accountable for their comments, so I guess its time for me to follow that lead.

Getting back to my #1 Stalker fan, I'm 90% sure I know who its coming from. But seeing as they're too chicken shit to say it to my face, its pointless to even waste one second worrying about it.

I'm not going to lie, I do have a few rivals in stand up comedy. I can think of a few other comedians who haven't been on television, who don't get positive write ups in the press, whose only following are there family or co-workers, and who aren't getting anywhere other then performing in someones living room.

That's not my fault, thats a reflection of their work ethic or lack thereof.

And maybe, just maybe, they should probably lay off all the weed and alcohol thats been apprehending their comedy careers in the first place.

But then again, after listening to some of their jokes, you can't blame drugs and alcohol on everything.

So here's my personal message to my #1 Hater fan, you get one more chance to leave your regular, "hater" , comment below because after this one, you'll have to register with Google to leave a comment below, so make sure its a good one because my readers expect the best.

And oh ...

Kisses!
xoxo

Safe

2011-12-20T22:49:00.000-08:00

I just got through watching, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" , and it was a pretty good flick. The movie has a lot of themes going on, the main one being survival. It seems to be a pretty common occurrence for movie writers to peg human beings who have an excellent survival instinct to also to be emotionless, apathetic, and deeply void of feelings.

Which makes me think that feelings are a luxury that so many people take disadvantage of.

I love watching movies because there stories expand my conscientiousness, like this one.

Watching, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" , made me think about how my life has been conditioned or should I say, raised.

One time my mom said to me, "I raised you to be safe" , and that really took me by surprise because I didn't know what she meant by that.

Then another time, a friend from school - Nyla, her mom said the same thing about me, she said, "I like Charlie because he's safe" .

WTF?

And still to this day I never really got a full explanation from either person what they meant by that.

This also makes me think that somewhere out there are parents who raise there kids to be courageous, independent, go getter's, smart, stupid, non-shalant, or whatever main family characteristic they wanted to pass onto their children.

For me, the word safe sums me up pretty good.

When I think of a safe person, I think of someone who was made not meant to be targeted emotionally or physically, someone who doesn't take chances because they have been raised to believe they're not good enough or believing achieving great success is done without chance or risk. To me, safe is a great word to describe someone who is trust worthy, reliable, honest, and avoids any kind of danger.

I wonder if this is the emotional baggage that's been keeping me fat for so long?

Sometimes I wish words or feelings were physical objects so that we could cut out of ourselves like fat because if it were, I would not only get my stomach stapled, I would remove any part of me that made me feel like shit or held me back.

Right now, I don't really care if I'm still regarded as safe or not. The value that I want to possess the most right now is having a brain and being able to think for myself. I appreciate the value of seeing my ideas come to fruition, especially if they're really good ones.

Because for me, there's nothing in the world like making a good decision especially when my life is concerned, hhhhhmmmmmmmm, I wonder if thats me safe again?

And FYI, this is one of my top 5 best blogs that I have ever written.

xoxo

Forever Lazy Snuggies

2011-12-20T17:29:00.000-08:00

OMG, are you serious?

The new shopping craze are the, "Forever Lazy" Snuggies.

This is the exact line of thought for the person who invented this, "oh excuse me for a second, I need to change my baby. I wish there was something like this for adults" .

You know its true. I'm not knocking it, they actually look pretty comfortable.

I hope you anything the guy already has skid marks in his onesie.

Are those booty pockets?

I actually know people who lounge around in snuggies so this photo really isn't all that unthinkable.

If you can find a hot man who would ever wear an adult onesie, hold onto him, those ones are rare.

Laugh Fest Application

2011-12-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

I really don't think anyone whose not a comedian, ever knows how not easy it is to get into a comedy festival, for the most part, they already know who they want, and if you want in, you have to do a really good job of selling yourself, especially if you're not a National performer.

The Laugh Fest is a new comedy festival in the 2nd year of production, which is located in Grand Rapids, MI. Last year they hosted my idol Margaret Cho, so they can't be all that bad.

So, on a whim from a friend, here's the letter I sent to the festival coordinator for a entrance spot, so we'll see what happens from here.

Thanks to Amy Vega Boyd for pushing me to do this!

xoxo

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, my name is Charlie Ballard and I'm a Native Queer comedian based in San Francisco, CA. A friend suggested that I apply to your comedy festival to entertain your community.

I did headline a Grand Valley State comedy show last year. The student clubs brought me in apart of Native Heritage Month.

I hope you guys are interested in booking queer comedians, after all, you guys booked Margaret Cho last year and it doesn't get any gayer then that.

If you guys can't find a show to fit me in, we can always create an LGBT comedy show for the festival. Those types of shows usually go very well and Grand Rapids already has a good LGBT demographic to pull audience members from.

You guys can see more info about me on my website:

www.charlieballard.com

Thanks guys, I had really good time performing in GR the last time I was there.

And did I mention, my family is rooted from the Grand Rapids area? I'm Anishnabe, which is the name of the local Indians to your area or should I say our area. *winks*

Thanks, hope to hear from you.

xoxo

Charlie Ballard

Hella Gay Comedy Show Audience Comments

2011-12-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

I just finished surfing the web for audience comments on the Hella Gay Comedy Show I produced, here's a small list of feedback that we got from the audience, enjoy!

Our harshest comments came from the Goldstar.com, which is a half price ticketing agency online. I decided to use them because they have a large LGBT database. The only drawback with them is that their members are use to getting quality entertainment for cheap, so the standard to please them was set pretty high.

The only thing that I thought was suspicious about using Goldstar, with all the slam comments we were getting from their members, we were still getting more people from Goldstar ready to buy tickets for the next show, go figure.

Seriously, some of them were like, "this show sucks but go see it anyways" . haha

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This was a fairly amateur comedy show with some very out-of-the-box comedians. Alot of the material was so odd that much of the audience found it to be more confrontational than funny. I give them one star for the balls to be so "in your face," and another star to the organizer for putting together this showcase of gay and transgendered comedians. However, I would not go again" - Goldstar member 2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There were moments when I would have given this two stars. But, then again, there were moments when I would have given it five. But overall lack of focus and cohesiveness put me on the low star side. Focus on the comedy! Opera and rap are great, especially when appropriate. Not in a comedy night" - Scott Carter 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Hella Gay Comedy Show was hella straight. That is, out of a lineup of seven, there were two (self-proclaimed) dykes, three people in relationships with the opposite sex, and two comedians whose relationships/orientation didn't factor into their acts. Oh, and the emcee was pretty flaming (but not funny). I'm no separatist, but if you're going to bill something as "hella gay", get some LGBTQ entertainers! It's not really cool to have men bitching about their women ("Ya know what I mean?" No, not really.) and flamboyant straight women proclaiming how much they "love you people".

To sum up:
The two dykes were pretty funny.
The clown juggling dildos was the gayest thing up there. (And an amusing opener!)
The newbie -- Stephanie from Santa Cruz -- was the best act that night, and her sexual orientation didn't figure into it" - Remy 3 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm sure the talent will vary from show to show (and we attended the first one). While we really appreciate the effort to produce gay-themed entertainment in the east bay, this event is going to have to turn it up a notch or two if it wants to maintain a decent following.

Aside from an AMAZING opera singer (who performed in spite of hideous and constant loud feedback), and a "Gaysian" comic whose name I forget (but he could do vocal impressions like nobody's business) the rest of the field ranged from odd (a "straight" man who kept coming out to propose marriage to various female audience members), to awful (a guy who performed a "rock opera" in a terrible psuedo russian accent even tho he claimed to be german and whose "prop" was a powerpoint presentation on a laptop that no one could see/read).

MC didn't really add anything to the mix. We left early. Chips and guacamole were good" - Jordieb 3 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I enjoyed the show, alot of variety. Jackie was great, I hope to see her again. It had a good flow" - Goldstar Member 3 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I didnt know it would be a variety show. We really came to hear more comedy by Charlie, this wasnt the case. The variety was alright although sometimes less is more. It looked like everyone there didnt have to by a tickets. People were just walking in and having a seat" - Cmrizzuto 4 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Jackie was AMAZING!" - Goldstar Member 4 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I think that for this show, they definitely took into consideration the things that people didn't like about previous shows. It was all comedy; well, just about. There was a comedic magician/clown. Either way, with the eclectic selection of comedians, we were all laughing practically the entire time there. Our absolute favorite was a comic named Andrew, who usually does a "Gay Jesus" routine but did something different but completely hilarious. I'd definitely come again. At the end of the show, they announced that it will be Free!!! How awesome is that?" - Goldstar Member 4 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"totally fun" - Razza 5 Stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There were two tiers of tickets. I paid for the more expensive tickets, but it didn't matter, I still didn't get a seat. Standing next to the bar, I endured a horrific opening act followed by one lame “comedian” after another. One comedian I would refer to as funny; the others wouldn't even pass for a courtesy smile. We ended up leaving about an hour in to the show. It was truly awful and certainly not worth the drive from the city. Save your money by buying take-out and watching the Comedy channel" - Goldstar Member 2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Half of the comedians were entertaining........" - Goldstar Member 2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God I invited other social groups to attend the show, they were definitely less critical and more jovial to have around, here are some comments from the MeetUp.com LGBT Fun Group

"I would strongly encourage everyone to go next month! I had a great time, funny entertainment, laughter, good food and drink..... I hope to see everybody there January" !! - Santos

"hella funny" - Jill

"Loads of great acts and a wonderful crowd. Laughed a lot" ! - Katrina

"My Hella Gay ass loved the Hell out of this Hella Gay funny as f*ck comedy show.=D " - Jess

TMI

2011-12-18T00:45:00.000-08:00

How much is enough when I share my blogs with you guys?

Its funny how people never respond to my blogs until I put my really personal shit out there and then like vultures, they're all over it with their comments.

But thats people for you I guess. I learned that lesson back at Sherman when I told Mrs. Kanitobe, the Ramona Dorm matron, that the other boys were making fun of me by talking about me and she said, "well, thats people for you, they're going to talk" . So from that day on I had to get over it and accept it. As the years went on, I learned to appreciate the people who were able to keep their comments to themselves and the other people who told your their opinions whether you wanted to hear them or not.

We really do all have our own demographics. I can think of a few people who lead picture perfect lives in my community and are well respected as they should be, they really do lead good lives and are excellent examples of model human beings.

Me however, on some days I am the complete opposite and struggle really hard to keep my shit together, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially.

I can think of a few personal hardships I've had to endure growing up, none of which I want to remember or think about it, and to this day I still carry those burdens with me because I haven't learned to let them go.

This is my demographic, I'm here for those people who've been in my situation and need someone to relate too.

When I was growing up, I was very fortunate to have a few very good role models that showed me how to have a big heart and keep it open to the worst of people and the worst of situations. As I got older I learned that these same people I looked up to had their own personal hardships as well. It's scary to me to think that someday these fabulous people I know will be gone and the only thing left by them will be those values in which they entrusted to me.

Their work was not in vain, after all, at times I was a good student and hopefully I did my job and passed their wisdom along to the next generation, only time will tell.

One thing is for sure, I can still love which is probably why I've been listening to Adele a lot lately, go girl.

xoxo

cb

Margaret Cho-esque Blog

2011-12-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I finally got some free time on my hands so I wanted to spend it creatively.

Whenever I surf the web, I always navigate non-discriminately because I never know whats going to peak my interest but I am beginning to see a pattern in my interest. Here's a quick list of my web topics today:

- Food
- Famous Naked Celebrities (Mario Lopez)
- The Shortest Woman in the World
- Sports
- Margaret Cho

If any of you guys follow my blogs, then you guys know how much of a big Margaret Cho fan I am. Seriously, I know its Christmas so if anybody wants to kidnap her and drop her off on my doorstep all wrapped in up Christmas paper, that would be super awesome.

haha just kidding, I'm only devilish with her because I can be.

But seriously, I do read a lot of her blogs and love her writing style, so much that I'm going to try and write a blog using her very descriptive writing method, enjoy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Very First Time I Lost My Viginity (True Story)

The very first time I let a guy penetrate me with his dick was when I was 16. That was my sophomore year of high school when I decided to stay home from Sherman. Staying home from Sherman was a big mistake for me, I knew Riverside was the place I wanted to be but for whatever reason I decided to stay home in 1990. So to bide my time until I could go back to Sherman, I had to find a way to keep myself busy socially and so I found the # 900 Gay Chat lines in the newspapers. I definitely found men to hook up with on the # 900 Gay Chat lines, and thinking back on it, I always tried to sound older when talking talking to strange men on the phone, I don't know why, if I knew then how much my youth was a hot commodity I would have tried to sound younger.

I was such a goof trying to talk to older men on the phone. There was this one college guy from Berkeley but I kept giggling with and that really annoyed him. He was all, "what is so funny, why are you laughing" . And honestly, I was really nervous. I had a hard time projecting an older image and couldn't keep it going. I just remember how irate he got with me and how he still wanted me to come over and screw me, thank goodness I passed.

Calling the # 900 Gay Chat was usually a hit or miss for me, sometimes I would hook up with a really cute guy or a nasty looking troll. This scene got old for me really quick and I wanted something different. Once, I remember talking to an older guy and I asked him where everyone was at, he said, "everyone's at the Bench & Bar" . As soon as he told me it was a gay bar I could not wait to hang up on old his ass and venture out.

My first impressions of the Bench & Bar, it was this little dive bar tucked away near the Oakland Museum, right above an underpass. When I was first walked in, obviously, everyone was older and surprisingly I didn't get carded. In all fairness I did look old for my age. I remember going to Reno for a bowling tourney that year and I didn't get card at the Roulette table while other 20 somethings around me did, I don't know, maybe it was the way I carried myself too, who knows.

For the next 15 or so years, the Bench and Bar became my second home. I saw so many Black Drag Shows on Sunday night and spent many of my Friday nights learning how to salsa, cumbia, and merenge at the Latin Explosion night.

On one fateful night, while still in high school, I decided to let this old Black troll take me home with him. I still remember the apartment complex he took me to, it was right next to the BART tracks near San Leandro, California. It never occurred to me that this man was obviously not my type but at this age, I didn't know I had a type. I also remember being a good liar to him. He kept asking me all these personal questions like where I lived and what I do, none of which I told him but I do remember lying to him about the fancy neighborhood I lived in called, "Ridge Crest" , which is in the Oakland hills. He knew exactly where I was talking about because he said, "oh, you must be rich" .

When we got back his place, we got undressed and played around. We did the usual oral versatile thing and after we were done with the preliminary blow jobs, he pulled my legs over his shoulders and said, "this is what you want" , and then he put his old wrinkly Black cock into my asshole. Thinking back, its probably a good thing his dick was old and wrinkly because he could have seriously hurt me with a younger viral cock. For me, that was the first time I got penetrated, he jabbed me just once with his cock and that was enough. I really thought I was going to die after that. For some stupid reason I thought I was going to enjoy it like all the gay bottoms I saw in the gay porns but now I see where why they're called porn, "actors" , because that shit fucking hurts. After he put it in I immediately pulled it out and started curling up but couldn't because it hurt to curl. I can still remember the pain to this day, it was unbearable.

After wiping the tears from my face, I put my clothes back on because the date was over. He drove me back to the Bench & Bar and that was that.

(to be continued)

xoxo

Santa Claus and Native Americans

2011-12-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

Ho Ho Ho! Here are some Christmas jokes I wrote with a Native twist, enjoy!

xoxo

---------------------------------------------------------

1) In most households when Santa Claus comes to visit, they leave out milk and cookies for him, in Native households they leave out mutton stew.

2) An old Indian woman once said about Santa Claus, "that man's real big, how come he don't get diabetes like the rest of us" .

3) Mrs. Claus can always tell when Santa spends time with the Native people because after she tells him something, he always responds back, "alright den" .

4) Originally, Santa Claus tried using rez dogs to pull his slay but it was too hard to get them on his porch from napping.

5) Santa Claus fits perfectly into Native Culture, his jingle bells sound real good on the powwow dance floor.

6) Frosty the Snowman hates it when people pee in his snow.

7) Santa Claus Fact: Santa's red nose is not caused by the cold but by years of habitual drinking.

8) The first time Santa Claus met Native Americans he spent 5 hours trying to convince them the North Pole wasn't a reservation.

9) When Santa Claus visits the Indian reservations he doesn't bring his slay with him anymore, one time he noticed a reindeer missing from his slay and was wondering where the good beef jerky came from.

10) Santa Claus is very careful when he drops presents off on the Hopi reservation. The last time he was there he accidentally took a little Hopi back with him to the North Pole because he thought they were one of his elves.

Worlds Shortest Woman from India

2011-12-16T19:29:00.001-08:00

NAGPUR, India (AP) — A high school student in central India was recognized as the world's shortest woman by Guinness World Records on Friday as she turned 18 and said she hopes to earn a degree and make it in Bollywood.

Jyoti Amge stood just 62.8 centimeters (24.7 inches) tall — shorter than the average 2-year-old — when Guinness representatives visiting from London measured her at a ceremony attended by about 30 relatives and friends in the town of Nagpur, in Maharashtra state.

A teary-eyed Amge, dressed in one of her finest saris, called the honor an "extra birthday present" and said she felt grateful for being small, as it had brought her recognition. After receiving a plaque, she and her guests cut a birthday cake.

"I have put Nagpur on the world map. Now everyone will know where it is," said Amge, who says she dreams of one day becoming a Bollywood film star as well as pursuing a university degree after she finishes high school this year.

"I want to be an actor," she said.

She measured 7 centimeters (2.76 inches) shorter than 22-year-old American Bridgette Jordan, who had held the title since September.

"Jyoti encourages us all to look beyond mere size and to just celebrate our differences," Guinness adjudicator Rob Molloy said.

This was not Amge's first Guinness record. Until Friday she was considered the world's shortest teenager, but in turning 18 qualified for the new title. She has grown less than 1 centimeter (0.4 inch) in the last two years, Guinness said in a statement, and will grow no more due to a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia.

Her teenage title brought the chance for multiple Guinness-sponsored trips to Japan and Italy for tours and meetings with other record holders, she said.

The title of shortest woman in history continues to be held by Pauline Musters, who lived in the Netherlands from 1876 to 1895 and stood 61 centimeters (24 inches) tall.

Holiday Family Greeting Card

2011-12-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

This is so true, Happy Holidays to all you cell phone freaks!

xoxo

Sasha Baron Cohen - The Dictator

2011-12-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

OMG, I'm sorry to all the Arab's and Middle Easterners for the new Sasha Baron Cohen movie, "The Dictator" , that it might offend but this shit is funny.

Sasha Baron Cohen pushes the envelope again in this over the top parody spoof of a Middle Eastern tyrant. It's hard to say which Middle Eastern public figure Sasha is making fun of so I'm assuming Sasha is making fun of all of them.

At different times in the media, I've heard a lot of the Middle Eastern leaders say some stupid ridiculous comments about women, the war, and world cultures. So I'm sure it wasn't difficult for Sasha to mine material for this movie.

As mush as I love Sasha, I'm a little scared for him now. I mean, after all, his last name is Cohen. *Jewish* And if I'm not mistaken, the Middle Eastern countries hate anything Jewish related ie Israel, Hanukkah, matza balls and their freedoms, someone please note me otherwise in the comment box below if I'm wrong.

But like I said, the Muslim community is notorious for getting easily pissed and blowing shit up. I wouldn't be surprised if a Ghad suicide bomber trys to take out a entire movie audience for trying to watch, "The Dictator" , but it would give a new meaning to the expression, "that movie bombed" .

xoxo

Half Naked Mario Lopez

2011-12-16T13:35:00.001-08:00

Mario Lopez just launched his new underwear line called: Rated M

Mario is well known for his physical fitness and great looks. It only makes sense he debuts his new underwear modeling it himself.

After all these years, Mario Lopez still looks fine with his cute dimples, you be the judge.

xoxo

IHS Jokes * Indian Health Service*

2011-12-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

If you're Native American and have received healthcare on the reservation, then you have probably experienced some of these occurences at a IHS *Indian Health Service* hospital.

1) I paid my IHS dental bill in full and the lady was like, "are you sure you want to pay all of it" ? Only at IHS.

2) My worst experience ever at IHS. I suffered a mild heart attack and they gave me ear drops.

3) You know you've received IHS care when you've been waiting in the emergency room for more then 12 hrs waiting to get seen.

4) You know you've received IHS care when you come back from your diabetes support group and they're selling frybread out front.

5) I went to IHS for my annual check up and my doctor tried to sell me tires too, wtf?

6) Only at IHS do their name tags say - Doctor-ish

7) If the healthcare at IHS is so good, then why do IHS employee's have healthcare somewhere else?

8) I went into IHS for a dental cleaning and came out with a paps mere.

9) I will give IHS this, you can find the best NDN jewelry and breakfast burrito's in the parking lot.

10) You know you're getting IHS healthcare when the emergency transport is a a flatbed truck.

Ricky Luna

2011-12-13T13:04:00.001-08:00

Hey folks, this weeks featured celebrity is avant garde comedian Ricky Luna!

Ricky started his stand up comedy career at the famed Brainwash Cafe in San Francisco and since then has become an incredible force of nature on the mic stand.

What makes Ricky unique is his utter fearlessness to take on social taboo's like racism, homophobia, sexism, & hedonism, to just to name a few.

Look at these photo's and you tell me if me if Miss Luna wasn't meant to be a star!

Dare I even say Ricky is the only LGBT Rock n Roll comedian on the comedy scene right now.

xoox

How Well Do You Know Me

2011-12-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

Charlie Ballard pet peeve # 324: I hate it when people say, "I know you" . If you know me so well then what are the answers to these questions.

#1) What was the name of the kids tv show that I madly fall in love with when I was 3 years old?

Answer: The Mickey Mouse Club - I could not take my eyes off that tv show, I always wished I could be a mousekateer, wear the hat with mouse ears, and sing a long with them!

#2) What kind of stuffed animal did I use to carry around when I was 5 and what was unique about it?

Answer: I was given a stuffed dog for Christmas, I think it was pound puppy. I loved that stuffed even when it lost its left eye.

#3) Who was my first high school love?

Answer: Suckers, do you really think I would tell you guys.

#4) What is my middle name and what does it mean?

Answer: A few people know what my middle name is and even a few know what it means, I like to keep it that way.

#5) How many different pairs of Dockers shorts did I talk myself out of buying at Mervyn's back in 1990?

Answer: I had 30 different pairs of Dockers shorts in my hands as I walked up to the Mervyn's cashier. I had every color in my hand, blue, green, red, fusia, black, cherry, orange, and so on. Something just clicked with me that I was going too far so from then on I would only buy a limit of three colors to one style of clothes, and that's even if I like it.

The point to this blog is not to make assumptions about people you don't know and especially not take them for granted.

I have personally known the same people for years and I still learn something new about them everyday.

xoxo

Haskell Christmas Bingo

2011-12-11T17:22:00.001-08:00

My friend Leandra who works for Haskell, posted these Haskell Christmas Bingo pics on her facebook page and they are adorable.

The HINU student activities department works really hard to provide fun activities for Haskell students while they're in college.

In this activity, the school sponsored a Christmas Bingo event and just looking at these photo's brings back some good memories.

Enjoy!

xoxo

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Uh oh! It looks like somebody lost a bingo game by one number again.

A student who just won the largest Rice Crispy Treat box in the world, awesome!

The Bingo Master himself - Rex Cully *HINU Student Activities Supervisor* calling the numbers!

The Auditorium

Jennifer Hudson

2011-12-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Hudson is currently on the cover of Ebony magazine. Her photo spread is amazing. In the past 2 years J.Hud has managed to drop 80lbs with the help of Weight Watchers and it really shows. Go Jennifer with your bad self!

Pick up the latest issue of Ebony and check her out!

xoxo

Labor of love

2011-12-11T01:03:00.000-08:00

What an exhausting week it's been for me. I can't remember working so many doubles in a while. For those of you who don't know, while I pursue my dream being a professional stand up comedian at night, I work as a waiter in Mexican restaurant in downtown SF during the day. Work really picked up this past week and I can't remember working that many doubles back to back in a long time, the money was good and it's totally helping me get out of debt right now, yup, my cheeseburger habit add's up fast.

So since I was at work all this past week, I had no time to run around the lake. That's too bad too because I can feel my pants getting looser and I'm able to wear my belt one notch in! That's quite an accomplishment if you ask me.

The other thing on my plate has been the Hella Gay Comedy Show, we just finished the last show for the Fall series last night and we packed out the room again.

I was so proud of all my performers. I am so lucky to know to so many wonderful comedians who enjoy doing their performance art.

Starting off last night's show was comedian magician Fred Anderson. I put him first because I knew his dynamic act would set off the show. There were moments when you could the feel crowd wanting more from Fred. So, if some of you guys didn't get enough, definitely go check him out at the Actor's Theater for his New Years Comedy Celebration!

Our second batter for the evening was Miss Queen TT. As always, this woman brings the heat. Every show I have ever booked her for, she's been sensational and a crowd favorite.

Up next was the very talented hipster, "alternative", (eastbayexpress) comedian - Andrew Holmgren. Andrew worked his set like a real pro, he's come such a long way since I first started to take notice of him at the Nick Crispy Taco's comedy open mic a couple of years ago, expect big things from him in the future.

On a chance meeting, I happen to attend the QComedy show in SF and met Carrie Avritt. She saw the Hella Gay Comedy Show a month before and was interested in performing. I love chance meetings because she was a pleasure to meet and she was fabulous to have on the show!

Pacing the middle of the show was Tony Sparks. Before Tony went up I told him not to hold back and go for it, and he sure did let the crowd have it. Tony is a ball of fire when he gets hot and he was hot.

The Hella Gay Comedy Show is a mix of working professionals and newbies. Our newbie for last night was Stephanie Milton. I met Stephanie at the San Jose Improv when they were hosting the Battle of the Bay Comedy Competition. When we exchanged hello's she had mentioned she hadn't been on stage before so I said, "why not come to my show and pop your cherry" . Stephanie did very well and we look forward to seeing her around the comedy scene, she has a bright future in stand up a head of her.

Closing out last nights show was Dolores Trevino. Dolores is an old school LGBT performer from the 80's, she used to perform at the Valencia Rose and Josie's Ca berate when it was in effect. And would you guys believe Dolores was in retirement from stand up comedy and it was the Hella Gay Comedy Show that helped pull her back out! She saw the HG flyers from this years Oakland Pride Festival and the rest is herstory.

Did I mention I have tomorrow off and I'm done working a 6 day schedule? My poor dogs are tired right, what I wouldn't give for a hot man to rub my feet right now. I can't believe I just said that. I think I must be getting old. The old me would have just said, "I want a hot man to roll me over and make pancake soup out of me" , haha.. whatever that means, but seriously I really do want a hot man to give me an incredible foot rub because I have earned it, well at least in the beginning before he does the nasty to me. *winks*

Okay everybody! Happy Holidays, stay warm and safe!

xoxo

The Hella Gay Comedy Show Write Up

2011-12-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

If anyone in show business has ever done press work, then they know how the press can cut the fat from the article to make it more meaty and a better read.

Here's the link to article:

http://www.eastbayexpress.com/ebx/hella-gay-hotbed/Content?oid=3061868

That's the chance you take with doing an interview with an independent news group, they do their best job to capture your work unbiasedly and then present it to the masses for consumption.

Before the, "Hella Gay Hotbed" , article came out, I was talking to my mom last week about what was covered and she said, "I hope it translates well" , and you know what, it did.

There were some other points that I made that I wished were quoted but when you're doing a professional interview, you can't very well say that during the interview like, "this is what I want covered and it better be in there" , because that would be tacky.

But thinking back on our hour long interview session, there were some key points that I was trying to get across that didn't come up in the article.

*Our best performers for the last 4 Hella Gay Comedy Shows have been the transgendered comedians, leading the way were Tammy Powers, Hard Violet, Cassandra Gorgeous, and Morgan.

*I had to pull a gay comedian from the Hella Gay Comedy Show because he was harassing a trans comedian at another comedy club and the trans comedians was pissed because she thought we're all *LGBT* supposed to stick together and have each others back, and you know what, she is absolutely right, so that's why I bumped that gay comedian from my show. Personally, I've been in her position before so I understood exactly where she was coming from. A while back I was under the guise that all LGBT comedians were supposed to stick together but that all came crashing down when I met people who are only out for themselves. So I made a decision a long time ago to be one of the people who supports other comedians, gay or straight, and to stay away from the self absorbed types.

*There were parts in the article that made me come off aggressive which is mostly true. That's not my personality at all. I was talking to a friend earlier and was saying, "this is what is probably feels like to be Kate Gosslin" . That woman does not play around, she has all those kids to take care of and she manages to do it all with a positive proactive attitude. Now this is how I can relate to Kate. I don't have a comedy manager, I am not represented by any agency, all the press, bookings, and money I have made from stand up comedy has been from the hard work I put into it myself, and I think after all these years of having to do it myself, it's made me a hard person, especially with dealing with people because I don't have time for bullshit. See look, there I go again. I wish I could be one of those comedians who have management and did everything for me, I'm sure that must be nice.

*There were also parts in the interview that made me sound like a greedy shrew and I'm not that at all. Some comedians were under the illusion I was pocketing large amounts of money from the ticket sales. I will say this again, 90% of the crowds who came to our shows were comp'd or got free tickets in some way. The 30$ - 100$ I did manage to make from door sales I kept as a reimbursement because there were a lot of expenses that went into the show such as flyers, press cards, decorations, etc. Again, nobody was working for me, I was doing all this shit myself. If I would have just sat on my ass and did nothing to promote the show, we would have had half of many people or less if I wasn't such a good hustler. My main goal for the Hella Gay Comedy Show was to create an LGBT audience so that's why I went after so many LGBT social groups and offered them free tickets, since they are the base market for this demographic, I thought that was a great idea to do and still do. The flipside, with all the comps I was giving out, I knew I wasn't going to be making any money to pay the comedians accordingly because with all the comps I giving away I knew there was very little money to be made from the ticket sales so that's why I got the La Estrellita Cafe to give the performers a free drink ticket and appetizers.

*This is my contribution back to the Bay Area. The Oakland SF Bay Area really is its own bubble with so much great talent everywhere. The crowds here really are the best and the most supportive.

*I had to chuckle when Rachel caught me ordering my Egg Nog frapp at the Cafe Madrid because I was like, "I'm sure I asked for whip cream" .

xoxo

Hella Gay Hotbed

2011-12-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I recently got a great write up in the East Bay Express called the, "Hella Gay Hotbed" , which is an article on the Hella Gay Comedy Show I produce in Oakland. Thanks to the EBX and Rachel the great write up!

--------------------------------------------------------------

By some counts, Charlie Ballard has a borderline-Tourettes impulse to say whatever he's thinking at the moment, so long as it hews to his theme of being a gay Native American comic. That often doesn't go so well. Like, say, the time he auditioned for America's Got Talent and regaled a straight-laced audience in Oregon with his best "gay Native American" stereotype: It required Ballard to whoop while patting his left butt cheek. He was promptly booed offstage.

"I don't think anyone wanted to see a pouty gay Indian," he said indignantly, recalling the incident a year later. "I mean, I'm notorious for my dick jokes. ... When I went up there, I was like, all TV-ready, and they still cut me down. I was like, 'You guys booed me down for that?' I was like, 'Gimme another minute. I'll give you guys a reason to boo me down.'"

A recent performance at the now-defunct Occupy San Francisco encampment went somewhat better. Ballard started his set by asking if any occupiers needed a blow job to keep warm. They laughed. One woman took him seriously. "Hey, the gay tents are all in the back," she told him.

Though Ballard is already eight years into his comedy career, he's still trying to cultivate an audience. A part-time waiter at Chevy's, he's tall, bulky, and soft-featured, with an almost prickly sense of self-command. He's the kind of person who knows what he wants without looking at a menu — as he demonstrated with an elaborate beverage order at Oakland's Cafe Madrid: medium eggnog frappuccino, no coffee, just the nog, thank you. He signs all his emails "Xoxo, CB. Hi Hi Hi Bye Bye Bye!!"

Ballard thinks that having provocatively gay material could be one of his pitfalls, since it makes some people uncomfortable. Plus, his emphasis on raunch is compounded by his overall confrontational personality. Ballard certainly isn't one to mince words. He said he really wished America's Got Talent had aired his audition tape, "just to show what assholes those guys were."

But he's also willing to acknowledge that one person's alienation is another person's niche market. And ultimately, Ballard decided that "hella gay" was the way to go, from both a business and a pop-culture standpoint. In September he launched a monthly LGBT comedy showcase at La Estrellita Cafe in East Oakland. Performers don't have to be gay, though it's definitely an enforced theme. Thus, heterosexual alt-comic Andrew Holmgren appeared on the show in the guise of a gay Jesus, at Ballard's behest. "Yeah," Ballard said, grinning mischievously. "We went there." He even upped the ante by convincing Holmgren to dress one of his friends up as a gimp (i.e., sex slave).

Admittedly, La Estrellita is a fairly interesting place to hold a gay comedy night. A small, family-owned Mexican restaurant on East 12th Street, it sits in an area that's largely untapped for gay infrastructure. But owner Jose Macias seems to relish the newfound comedy clientele. "We're gay-friendly here," Macias said, acknowledging that Estrellita hosts a wide variety of events — including cumbia, salsa, and spoken-word nights — to honor the diversity of its surrounding neighborhood. He added that overall, The Hella Gay Comedy Show has been remarkably successful, despite lacking a big-name headliner to anchor it. The October show was standing-room only, and Ballard clocked 108 people at the door.

Moreover, Ballard said, the supply-and-demand laws are in Oakland's favor, given that Berkeley has long been home to "Marga's Funny Mondays" (which ended on Halloween) and San Francisco is a veritable hotbed for gay-themed comedy nights — most notably, "Funny Tuesdays" at Harvey's Restaurant & Bar in the Castro. Oakland, in contrast, is surprisingly gay-comedy-bereft. That's dispiriting, Ballard says, given that the East Bay has a high concentration of LGBT folks per capita. "When people think gay, they think San Francisco," he scoffed. "But guess what bitches, we're already in your community."

Lest you doubt their numbers, Ballard is quick to point to the sizeable crowds that show up at Hella Gay. He tries to keep things interesting by turning the event into a variety show, of sorts. He has booked soprano opera singer Taylor Ott, improvisational comedian Kazumi Kusano (who does a fake geisha bit that, in Ballard's estimation, is "quite fabulous"), and a transgendered storyteller named Morgan. His next showcase will feature a comic magician named Fred Anderson. He's considered booking a trapeze act.

Ballard has also burned a few bridges along the way — a couple Hella Gay performers were resentful that Ballard paid them in tacos, even though he gets the venue for free and charges $10 at the door. When confronted, though, he remains indignant. "Well, you are getting a free drink and free nachos," he reminded one grouchy comedian. "So there's some sort of payment involved." Ballard also points out that he has a symbiotic relationship with his performers — they get stage time and a little press; he handles all the promotion and pockets what he says is $30-$100 in paper returns. Macias said that by enforcing a two-drink minimum next year, they'll hopefully make enough money to pay the comedians, too.

Ballard remains sanguine about it. Even if some artists don't come back, he always has more lined up. That's just the nature of the beast. "I know gay comedians up the ass," he said. "No pun intended."

-Rachel Swan

Native Comedy All Stars

2011-12-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

James Junes

Ernest Tsosie III

Pax Harvey

Marc Yaffee

Howie Miller

Tatanka Means

Vaughn Eagle Bear

Adrianne Chalepah

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

2011-12-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

Adele - Lovesong

2011-12-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

"whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again" - Adele

Mommie Queerist

2011-12-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

was amazing! "Mommie Queerist" , is a new woman show by Kat Evasco premiering at Bindlestiff Studios and tonight I witnessed greatness.

Kat Evasco is a Tagalong lesbian playwright *Filipino* currently residing in San Francisco, CA.

Her play is an autobiographical piece showcasing the pivotal points of her life, her first kiss with a boy and a girl, the first time she fell in love, discovering her mother is a closet lesbian, coming to grips with her own sexuality, breaking the silence of cultural taboo's, finding her voice, and future aspirations filled with hope.

"Mommie Queerist" , was definitely an emotional roller coaster ride. She started the play with some of her trademark stand up comedy bits and then there were moments in the show where there was not a dry eye in the house, her monologues were so moving, as an audience member you couldn't help but feel her passion through Kat's magnificent storytelling.

What I admire most about, "Mommie Queerest" , is Kat's courage to tell her story, exposing personal truths, secrets about her family, and sheer candidness.

If you're in the Bay Area, go see this show, its worth every penny of admission! You can still her show for the first two weekends in December up until the 17th!

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/209087

I give Kat's new play five ♥♥♥♥♥'s! Good job girl!

xoxo

Producing a Comedy Show

2011-12-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm being interviewed by the East Bay Express for my Hella Gay Comedy Show and I was asked by the reporter why I've been paying my performers with tacos, here's my response, enjoy:

-----------------------------------------------------

Hey Charlie,

I’ve spoken with a few people who’ve performed on the showcase, and some of them are pretty resentful that they get paid in tacos, when you charge $15 at the door. Does that mean you pocket most of the money? Can you speak to that?

-----------------------------------------------------

Absolutely I can speak on that.

The admission for these past 4 shows was 10$ at the door but 90% of those crowds were given comp tickets. As I said before, this is how we were able to get so much support from the many local LGBT social groups in the area such as the California Men's Group (East Bay Men's Group), SF Movie Bears, several LGBT groups on MeetUp - SF Gay Singles, Bay Area Trans Girls, LGBTQQ Fun Group, Lesbian Social Group and not to mention all the comp tickets I gave away on the Goldstar ticketing service. This marketing ploy was how we were able to pull some fantastic crowds at the La Estrellita Cafe.

The best turn out we had was probably the Oct show, we had the place packed and it was standing room only and would you believe we only made 100$ from door sales that evening because the entire crowd was comp'd from the special group rate I was giving away. The only people who got charged for admission were stragglers who heard about the show threw word of mouth.

If you're wondering if I pocketed that money from the Oct show, and the other 30$ or 60$ bucks I made from the other shows, I sure did. That was the reimbursement to myself for all the promotional materials/services (flyers, press cards, posting time, emailing, hustling) I put into making these shows happen. And I also want to include that when I promoted my gay comedy show to the local press outlets, OAKLAND TRIBUNE, SFBG, SF WEEKLY, 96 HOURS, SF CHRONICLE, SF EXAMINER, not a one of them would pick it up, except for the EBX so I hope you guys know how I greatly appreciative this . It's still amazing to me how we were able to draw fabulous LGBT crowds without the support of the local press, that's how I know these shows are needed. I do want to give props to the Bay Area Reporter (BAR), and Jim who runs the entertainment section because they have always been helpful with getting our events out there.

I knew going into the Fall portion for the Hella Gay Comedy Show I wasn't going to be able to pay the performers accordingly so for now all I could do was offer was 1 free drink ticket and appetizers from the restaurant to the performers and they all knew that coming into the show. So if any of my past performers are under the guise that I was making a trip to the bank at their expense, they are greatly mistaken.

Going into producing a gay comedy show, I knew our base crowd would primarily consist of LGBT audiences so that's why I offered certain groups comp tickets.

I honestly wish my show business name was strong enough where I could pull a great crowd based on my name every time and even with the modest National acclaim that I do have, it's still not enough.

So moving forward onto 2012, now that all the hard work has gone into creating buzz for a new LGBT East Bay comedy show, the owner of the La Estrellita Cafe and myself agreed the show should be free for all audience members, 21 & over of course. We also now have a budget for the performers. Now get this, if this doesn't quell the naysayers, nothing will. For this type of show, usually the comedy producer who pulls the crowd for a free show, usually gets a commission, instead of me getting the commission, we decided to use that budget to pay the performers. So if anyone is taking the bullet, it's me for all the hard work it took for me to make these shows happen and for giving the LGBT community at large a new place to gather, laugh, and see great entertainment so if you ask me, it was worth it.

I've been doing comedy for 8 years and this is what all my experience has culminated too. I use to be one of those novice comedians who'd put a show date on my website and expect hoards of people to come but I'm not that same comedian I was all those years ago, and sometimes I miss it because it was less stressful.

I really did make a conscience effort to progress the show far enough where we could pay the performers because most comedians in the Bay Area and beyond do get taken advantage of in this business, its called, "paying dues" . Many many comedians get co hearsed into doing free shows because that's the only opportunity or method they know on how to get stage time by the premier comedy clubs in town like the Punchline, Cobb's, Roosters', Improv, Pepperbelly's or anywhere else.

I'm not afraid to speak about this in fear of getting blacklisted by these comedy clubs because not one of them has ever paid me to perform at their clubs and but yet I still manage to get booked on a National level, seems precarious doesn't it.

I have never been the one to wait for anything to be handed to me on a silver platter, all the accomplishment I have is because I worked hard for it.

So I hope my work ethic is reflected as to what happens behind the scenes into producing a successful comedy show, some comedians might complain about getting paid with tacos but it's sure a hell of a lot better then getting paid with nothing or not having show to play at all.

xoxo

cb

Staying Positive

2011-11-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

I just finished an interview with the East Bay Express, which is a popular social paper in the East Bay.

Rachel Swan, the music editor for the EBX was kind've enough to give my, "Hella Gay Comedy Show" , a little press for their next issue.

You guys really don't know how elated I am about this.

I really don't want to say what I said in the interview because it will all come out next week so some of you curious bee's will just have to wait.

What I can say is that for sure is that this is probably one of the best interviews I've ever done in my comedy career. So big up's to Rachel for taking the time out of her busy schedule to cover my show.

xoox

Okay Novemer, I'm Done.

2011-11-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

November was a good month for me, I got a lot of shit done.

This past month I came to another milestone in my comedy career, I accumulated enough material for my 2nd comedy album and this time, I'm going to pay really good money to get it professionally done.

My first comedy CD, "Charlie Ballard Live" , was supposed to be released earlier this year but do to the fact that the production crew I worked with didn't know what the fuck they were doing, it didn't get released, so when I'm done recording my 2nd album, I'll probably release a dual comedy album.

This time, I'm not going to force a show just to record it, I'll wait for a good gig to come up and record it when it happens, so from now until then it's just a matter of polishing and fine tuning my new act.

The name of my new comedy album is going to be called, "Rectum" . If any of you are wondering if that title has a meaning to me, not really, I thought it just sounded cute.

Let's see, what else is going on, oh yeah, I think my anus hole has decided to close up permanently because I haven't been using it enough regularly, that sucks.

It's not that I don't want to use it, it's just that I can't find nobody to fuck me. :(

And so, in order to attract more straight men, my fav's, I've decided to grow my hair long, hope some drunk straight guys mistake me for a real girl and decide to take me home with them because we all know once them in bed it doesn't matter if you're a boy, girl or both.

I also started running again, something of which I've been neglecting this whole year. It feels really good running, there are so many positives that come from running, it makes my body feel good, it clears my head, its productive, its good for my writing, and it keeps my ambition intact.

Here's what I mean about running keeping my ambition intact, I told this to my friend Lyndon and he said I was stupid for thinking this.

After spending Thanksgiving with Lyndon, we decided to hit Lake Merritt to burn off the turkey we ate. So while I was doing my run, this older white guy passed me up, so when I got to the last mile, I could still see him a 100 yards in front of me, so I told myself, "you can do it, go pass that fucker back up or give up comedy" .

So of course I picked up the pace and I managed to catch up to him while still finishing a head of him, I was so proud of myself.

I guess I still have a lot of fight left in me to do comedy and needed to prove it and see it for myself.

See you guys in December!

xoxo

Adele - Don't You Remember

2011-11-24T04:18:00.000-08:00

This is another one of my favorite songs from Adele, she really is a throwback to all the great Capella singers.

Facebook Blog Stats

2011-11-24T03:41:00.001-08:00

Hey guys, I created a facebook page for my blogs and here are some of the stats from 10/23/11 - 11/19/11 that, it's pretty interesting if you ask me.

Readers by City:

9 San Francisco
5 Seattle
3 Austin
2 Oakland
2 New York
2 Los Angeles
2 San Antonio
2 Kingman
2 San Leandro
2 Ann Arbor
1 Rowland Heights
1 Oklahoma City
1 Rigby
1 Whittier
1 Kitchener
1 Butte
1 Staten Island
1 Atlanta
1 Waterloo
1 South San Francisco

---------------------------------------------------------

Readers by gender and age:

Overall readership by gender:
Women 53%
Men 45%

Readership by gender and age:
24% of my readers are women 25 - 34
17% of my readers are women 35 - 44

17% of my readers are men 25 - 34
16% of my readers are men 35 - 44

--------------------------------------------------------

Here are some popular blogs titles and content:

When I Think of November - Native American
Haskell Indian Nations University - Native American
Zachary Quinto - Gay, coming out, anti gay bullying
Top 10 Clues your Husband is Gay - subtle gay hints
Native Bling - Native American
Whites Invade America - Native American
Happy Birthday to Moms - personal, family

------------------------------------------------------

Comments:

It's no surprise that my best blogs have been about Native Americans and its also no surprise that my best blogs have also covered gay topics such as life, love, gossip, celebrities, and current events.

I do get a lot of readers who I'm not facebook friends with and I really appreciate those readers so please don't be so shy as not to request me as a facebook friend, I'm pretty easy going and very friendly but if you some of you guys do decide to keep your distance, I totally respect that too!

A lot of my comedy fans are women and I can see why, my point of view is very pro-woman and I carry some very strong Native American feminist values.

Its really is nice to see all the cities where my readers come from, I'm sorry facebook didn't capture all the small towns where my readers plug in from too like Peach Springs, Towaoc, Whiterocks, Supai, Lawrence, Fort Hall, Farmington, Gallup, and everyone else in-between, you guys know who are you and thanks for tuning in.

So for now, thanks for reading my blogs everyone!

xoxo

Chelsea Lately

2011-11-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really hate the sub conscience because it has a really good way of fucking with you in your dreams.

Take for instance this weird dream I had about Chelsea Handler lastnight.

I don't really care for Chelsea Handler, she is not one of my favorite comedians and I would never ever pay money to see her but that shouldn't suggest that I don't watch her show, "Chelsea Lately" , because I do and that's only because my cable choices are limited, that's why I think everyone should have free world satellite tv, but that's another blog.

Anyhoo, this is how my dream went down, I was in a room and Chelsea was hanging out with her gal pal comedian Sarah Colonna and comedian Mo Mandel.

I remember saying something to Chelsea and she immediately snapped back at me and I was like, "I guess that was kind've funny" .

I can see why Sarah and Mo were in the dream too.

I met Sarah a couple years ago at the Bruce Daniel's comedy show in Silverlake, "Drunk at the Akbar" , and thought she was kind of a snob. I approached Sarah at the bar and was like, "hey, is your name Sarah Colonic" , and she was like, "oh, I never heard that before" , I thought that was so freaking funny. I don't know really know anything about Sarah Colonna other than she's got her head up so far up Chelsea's ass probably because like most actors in L.A., that's how you get work. I've seen Sarah perform and I think she's one of my opposite comedians meaning a lot of comedians don't necessarily like each others jokes because we're either too alike or too different.

I know comedian Mo Mandel from the San Francisco comedy scene and he's done very well for himself. When I was watching him on the Chelsea Lately round table I couldn't help but notice how Chelsea was madly flirting with him, so my guess is that he probably fucked her.

And since I've been in super love with Adele's song, "Someone Like You" , and yesterday I was skirmishing over Adele's Chelsea Lately interview on youtube, I can see how this dream manifested itself.

Why can't I just dream a normal gay person?

Let's take a Freudian look at this dream.

1) I've probably been watching Chelsea Lately because I secretly want my own talk show on E called, "Charlie Ballard Lately" .

2) I desperately want to hang out with Sarah Colonna and be bff's with her so we can have a Haagen Daz fest!

3) I really want to fuck Mo Mandel.

4) Adele really needs to come out with a new album quick so I can move on with my life.

Answers above: 1 & 4

xoxo

How to Make a Woman Happy

2011-11-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

Hey to all my men friends who love the company of a woman, here are some pointers on how to woo your way into a woman's heart:

1) Make her feel pretty - pick something about her and compliment her about it.

2) Be Supportive - understand what her point of view is and where she's coming from.

3) Be Confident - women are attracted to winners because confidence reflects virility, stamina, energy, vitality, and know how.

4) Have a job - the dead beat days for men are over, women look for independent men who can support themselves because they want to know if you're able to support a family down the road.

5) Be Faithful - women love it when you don't fuck around on them and know your heart belongs to them and them only.

6) Be Truthful - all great relationships are built on trust, without trust you have nothing.

7) Give her a good foot rub - when you're rubbing her feet, ask her how her day went.

8) Be Handy - if it's one thing women love about men, it's how useful they are.

9) Show You Appreciation - women love love love to feel appreciated for all their hard work they put into everything.

10) Say "I Love You" - every now and then and mean it.

xoxo

Charlie Ballard Love

2011-11-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, I try as much as possible not to blog about myself, if anyone hates hearing me talk about me, it's me, however, there are sometimes where I'm overcome with gratitude, appreciation, and generous warmth from my facebook friends that I just have to share it with everybody!

There was a poll floating around facebook and I posted it to my wall, here's what my facebook friends had to say, thanks guys!

xoxo

--------------------------------------------------------------

Who actually reads my posts? Let's see who reads this entirely. Leave me a 1 word comment that best describes me. Can only be 1 word. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word about you!

Jo Riley - Sexy.

Tiffany Tsosie - Bold. :)

Mauro Moura - Silly ;)

Marie Hernandez - Free!

Victor Vega - crazy azz mofo!

Desiree Rios - rawr.

M.b. Salazar - traditional

Anneka Osife - Crazy....

Nyhree R. Curry - Unique. . . .

Adela Gott - Whole

Dianne Yeahquo Reyner - Sweet

Michelle Le Brun - funny

Roselyn Jackson - Informative. Lol

Randy Blakeley - superfragilisticexpialidocious.

Briana Darlene - Beautiful! =D

Jessica Tovar - bitch

Tiffiny Tsosie - Funny :)

Melita Fisher - Fabulous!!!

Pamela Mary - Tease

Andreja Benally - S I P I

Beverly Cabral - friendly

Vanessa Salcido - AMC

Jennifer Cross McNeely - dork

Sarah Kissoon - FIERCE

Mary Jean Robertson - Fabuloose

Gary Thomas - uncensensored.

Tim Huffman - themanthemyththelegendthatischarlieballard (hey, its a new word lmao)

Kenneth Freese - DRAMATIC!

Heriberto Luna - Easy...

Sandy Summa - eNTERtaining!

Evangeline Kissoon - GAY!! And u can take it in all sort of context!

Wesley Walker - charliscious

Johnson Livingston - Love all your comments and they are all laughs and serious and being around you made me strong when I felt weak. I admire you and love you darling.

Johnson Livingston - love you and your comments and dislikes, its all on, gurl....

Sirhc Ssor - Determined!

There are days when I want to give up, there are days when I don't know what I'm doing and there are many many days when I think can't make people laugh but one thing is for sure, I want to thank all of you for picking me up at times when I needed it the most! So from the bottom of my heart, Me-gwetch! (Thank You) ♥

Now I have to go find a box of tissue and cry it out!

xoxo

When I Think of November

2011-11-17T15:05:00.001-08:00

When I think of November, I think of Richard Oakes and Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall, leaders of the Native American Occupation Alcatraz movement of 1969. It was on November 9, 1969 they decided to retake the old jail house island based on the treaty's the American Indians made with the United States government, which stated any unused federal land goes back to the Native American tribes.

For 2 years, local Native American college students from SFSU & UCLA held that island until the last 15 occupants were removed in 1971. There are many accounts and books written on the event.

Growing in the Bay Area I was lucky to grow up with community members who took part in the Occupation. In the 7th grade, I remember Shirley Guevera (Mono) going with us on a school trip to Alcatraz and giving us her account on what happened. She showed us which prison rooms they stayed in, where they cooked, and telling us about the cause. If anyone has ever visited Alcatraz, there's usually a tour guide service to give an account of the history of the island and on that day, the regular tour guide followed our group as a listener, I'll never forget how special that made us all feel.

The Alcatraz Occupation was an important era in current Native American history:

"While Oakes and his followers did not succeed in obtaining the island, they did affect U.S. policy and the treatment of Indians. As a result of the occupation, the official U.S. government policy of termination of Indian tribes was ended and replaced by a policy of Indian self-determination" . (Wikipedia)

Richard Oakes (Mohawk) circ 1970

Richard Oakes led a short but very inspirational life:

Oakes was shot and killed by a man named Michael Morgan, a YMCA camp manager. Morgan had a reputation for being rough with Indian kids, and apparently did so again in Oakes' presence. Oakes reportedly confronted him, and Morgan responded by drawing a handgun and fatally shooting him. Morgan was charged with involuntary manslaughter. Six months later, charges against Morgan were dropped on the grounds that Oakes had moved aggressively toward him. [2] Oakes died September 20, 1972 in Sonoma, California at the age of 31.[3] (Wikipedia)

Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall (Red Lake Chippewa) & his wife Bobbi (Paiute) circ 1960's

I will say this about Adam, the man did beat me to the punch. It's always been my dream to visit England, stick a Native flag into their soil and declare their home Native American country and wouldn't you know it, he did it, several times in fact.

The most infamous place he did it was in Italy, which the Miami News 1973 hailed it, The Discovery of Italy:

"An interesting switch was pulled yesterday by Adam Nordwall, an american Chippewa chief. As he descended his plane from California dressed in full tribal regalia, Nordwall announced in the name of the American Indian people that he was taking possession of Italy 'by right of discovery' in the same way Christopher Columbus did in America. 'I proclaim this day the day of discovery of Italy,' said Nordwall. 'What right did Columbus have to discover America when it had already been inhabited for thousands of years? The same right I now have to come to Italy and proclaim the discovery of your country" . (Miami News 1973)

When the Vatican press got hold of Adam's stunt, the Pope requested a meeting with Adam and on Adam's first sight with his holiness, the Pope extended his ring to Adam and do you guys know what Adam did, he said, "I extended my hand and showed him my turquoise ring" . (KQED)

Adam is one bad dude, now it looks like I'll have to find another way to relive my dream, I guess I can still contract syphilis and spread it around the EU?

On a side note, the SFSU Native American student club asked me to perform and close out there, "We're not a Costume" , exhibit tomorrow evening, it really does feel nice to be apart of something special!

Happy Native American Heritage Month everyone!

xoxo

Garden of Eden

2011-11-17T14:22:00.001-08:00

Here's a fabulous body art painting of, "Garden of Eden" , forget the apple, I want to bite the snake.

xoxo

Team Nene Leakes

2011-11-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

Who does not love and I repeat, who does not love Nene Leakes, reality star of Bravo's famed Housewife franchise series?

Nene was recently on the Wendy Williams show and let everyone have it!

I have to say, I'm starting to admire Nene. When her back is to the wall she manages to hold it together and still be articulate, charming, and above all, entertaining.

If anyone saw the last Housewife of Atlanta episode, Nene got into a vicious cat fight her Sher-ray and coined a catch new phrase, "I'm rich, very rich" .

Go girl, when people start repeating your tag lines, friend or foe, that means you've definitely become a force to be reckoned with.

I'm Team Nene all the way!

Get Off the Air Bitch!

2011-11-16T11:31:00.000-08:00

Who didn't see this one coming?

In an apparent backlash, an online petition has started circulating to remove the Kardashian Reality TV off the air because:

"We feel that these shows are mostly staged and place an emphasis on vanity, greed, promiscuity, vulgarity and over-the-top conspicuous consumption," . (Hollywood Reporter)

If you would like to sign this petition, go to this link:

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/no-more-kardashian.html

Personally I say good, it's about time anyways, her show prime is just about over and I say let the next teen queen try and do a better job.

Gallery Photo

2011-11-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

Some of you may not know this about me but I'm an avid photographer, I love taking pictures of anything interesting. If I ever do a photo exhibition displaying my work, this piece I took last night is definitely going to be in it.

xoxo

Ricky Luna - The Melt Part 2

2011-11-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

Ricky Luna - The Melt Part 1

2011-11-15T19:08:00.000-08:00

Occupy Oakland Vlog - Inter Faith Group

2011-11-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

Self Interview

2011-11-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

I just got through reading an interview about Margaret Cho and was like, "damn, I need someone to do interview with me so I can keep up with that bitch" , haha.. but serioulsy, so instead of waiting for someone to approach me, I thought, why not interview myself?

What did you do today?

This morning I slept in. I had a really good time at the American Indian Film Festival Awards show last night in San Francisco, California. The AIFF in San Francisco is an annual event held at the Palace of Fine Arts. This is a really good community event where you get a chance to see a lot of local Natives and see celebrities. I really like the AIFF because they're committed to the betterment and postive representation of Native Americans in film.

I got to meet Bunky Echo Hawk last night. Bunky is a contemporary Native artist whose artwork was selected as the marguee image for this year's film festival. It was a special moment for me to meet Bunky because not only am I a big fan of his artwork but also because I wanted to personally thank him for all the support he gave me a couple of years ago when my first LOGO clip appeared on youtube in which he helped me pass around, that man really does have a huge following in the Native community. Bunky is a sweet person and he deserves all the success he's worked hard for.

Here's the picture of his painting that was used for the poster, it's actually quite fabulous. The painting is entitled, "Defending Our Way of Life Through Film" . If any of you have ever seen Bunky, you would know this piece also doubles as a self portrait.

Another highlight from the evening was when I got to meet this old lady from the Tule River Indian Tribe who went to Sherman Indian High School, she was class of 1947, wow. I asked her which dorm she stayed in and she said, "Minnehaha" , she also said, "I was there when they started importing Native students from AZ" . I guess the at the time the school was mostly comprised of the California Indian tribes. I love having moments with other Natives like that, it's time like that I really feel connected to so many other people and generations who I have never met.

What's on your plate these days?

I'm headlining the, "We are not a Costume" , exhibit and Richard Oakes celebration at SFSU this upcoming Friday. I'm really looking forward to that, I love playing college crowds because those audiences are usually a lot of fun and the college kids look at these comedy shows as a fun distraction from there final exams.

I'm also looking forward to telling a lot of really good dick jokes.

and oh, why is that?

My reputation as a raunchy, no holds barred, irrevant, shit talking comedian has finally come to fruition, so now, when I get booked, the people know what they're getting.

But that shouldn't suggest that dick jokes are all I go up there with, it's just a small apart of me that I enjoy performing, I mean c'mon, who doesn't love hearing jokes about small penis's?

Most of the comedians I admire have a pretty liberal use of the English language, so why should I be any different?

For me, it's been pretty tough being a gay comedian because it's not a politically correct time to be an out and open queer comedian and what I mean by that is there are a lot of really good professional gay comedians who don't get booked at comedy clubs because of the fact that they're gay.

And what's worse, there's a big double standard between gay and straight comedians. It's acceptable for straight comic's male or female to talk about their sexuality on stage but the minute we bring up our sexuality, it's frowned upon.

A few years back I went to a Sherman Alexie book reading in Oakland and he told a pussy finger banging joke in an orthodox church where his book reading was held. Sherman is a very famous Native American author so I was really surprised he did that. His justification for telling that pussy joke was that the church where his event was being held was non-denominational and not a real church whereas I would never, ever, dared tell a dick or pussy joke in a church, regardless of whose religion it is.

There's is a big reason why all the big gay comedians out right now such as Rosie, Wanda Sykes, and Ellen have been able to carve careers for themselves in the beginning, they all wrote acts avoiding sexuality whereas if they didn't, they would not be who they are today.

Do you know what I think is weird, there really isn't a big gay male identified queer comedian working the scene, the gay male audiences at large have always supported female comedians via Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Caroline Rhea, Monique, Sarah Silverman, Margaret Cho, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr, and the list goes on.

Personally I don't care which demographic comes to my show, just as long as they keep coming in droves, laugh out loud and leave my show knowing they had a good time.

Any other feelings on being booked as a gay comedian?

A while back on facebook, a friend approached me and asked if I could perform for at their wedding and requested that I not include any gay jokes.

Of course I declined to do the event because that would've been like sending me back in the closet. I don't like the feeling of anyone constricting my work. I do joke about sex in my act but there's more to me than just that. And plus I don't appreciate anyone pulling parts of my show that doesn't encompass everything about me.

So do you consider yourself a trailblazer?

On somedays I do but on my most days I consider myself a performer trying to make a living doing my art.

Any words for the future queer comics?

Be smart, know what you're getting yourself into. I remember a veteran comedian telling me early on, "if somebody would have told me all the bullshit I was going to go through in comedy, I never would've done it in the first place" . So really, you have to have a strong determination and will to succeed.

And really, that goes for any discipline.

I use to coach volleyball and saw one of my old students, I asked her how college was going and she said she quit because she knew people finishing with a college degree wasn't a guarantee to them finding a job after wards. I told her there's plenty of people out there with degree's and without and the people who make it are the ones with passion.

Babe Alert!

2011-11-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone go see, "Immortals" , starring Henry Cavill, you will not be disppointed, especially if you're into hot white boys with killer ab's.

I love period films especially when it comes to hot white boys showing off their six packs and wavy hair, yum, so hot.

Look these movie stills and try not to drool.

xoox

Henry Cavill

Henry Cavill looking all sexy.

Actor/model Kellan Lutz

Kellan Lutz! Yummo!

Boy George

2011-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, one my favorite childhood idols is releasing his new book called, "King of Queens" .

Oh snap, from the press I've read online this book is supposed to be filled with juicy scandalous insights from Boy George's formative years ie George's infamous cocaine habit, keeping that poor boy hooker hostage in his flat for several days, having to wear orange while doing community service, and who knows what else?

"King of Queen's" , hits the newsstand on Dec 12th!

And oh, Boy George has always been the cutting edge of fashion, check out Boy George rocking his book cover in middle eastern garb and it making it look fierce, I always knew those Iranian girls just needed a little eye shadow.

xoxo

Open Letter to Kim Kardashian

2011-11-07T16:03:00.001-08:00

Dear Kim,

I read your open letter to your fans and I'm still personally pissed at your wasteful spending habits, ie your fairytale wedding, especially now with all the rough economic times everyone is going threw.

Like it or not, you're a role model to millions of young people who regard you as a woman of the people.

If you want to do right by everyone, then take that 17.5 million you spent on your wedding and start donating it to charity. There are thousands of people, if not millions, who could benefit the money you can raise for them.

Because if not you're coming real close to the French Queen Marie Antoinette who once told her impoverished state, "let them eat cake" , because those are the kind of times we still live in.

xoxo
Charlie Ballard
www.charlieballard.com

Ariel Luckey - Occupy Oakland

2011-11-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

Adele - Someone Like You

2011-11-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this song all day and Adele had me teetering on tears and heartbreak.

Not every musical artist can do that to me, it takes a pretty special something to make me feel that way and channel that energy to my friends in a positive way.

You go Adele!

xoxo

Masturbation Notice

2011-11-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

This is so funny, enjoy.

xoxo

Occupy Oakland Vlog

2011-11-03T18:01:00.001-07:00