Monday, September 1, 2014

Why I love Straight Men

I think the reason why I don't prefer dating Gay men is because I have a zero tolerance for attitude and also, Gay men are too hypersensitive.  I think Gay men make great friends but thats it.

This past Fall, this psychic predicted that I would meet someone this Fall and she was absolutely right.

The only drawback, he turned out to be a chubby chaser and gay.  He's cute but the more and more I got to know him and found out how promiscuous he is, I was like, "oh fuck, this guy could give me AIDS if I'm not careful" ...

The last time we hung out I flat out told him, "we're not going to have sex" .

And he was like, "why not" ?

I just made up some bullshit excuse like, "I really think its a good idea if we don't hook up because we're both train wrecks ...." , but really in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I really don't want him leaving my herpes on my asshole" . 

Moving forward.

There are a couple cute straight men around me that I really like but again, they're straight.

It really sucks being a woman trapped in a mans body.  

Why can't these guys see my spiritual vagina?  Its there, its warm, comforting, aged, smooth and just waiting for them to park their cars in my driveway, my driveway behind the house that is.

Speaking of psychics, when I was 19, I got a professional reading and she said the reason why I'm gay is because I'm mastering manhood.  

The biggest lesson I learned about being a man came from dealing with Lesbians.

When I was younger I never understood why some Lesbians were so mean and acted like complete dicks.  So one day I got tired of it and said, "hey, if you're trying to emulate a dude, they're not all complete dicks, you'd know that if you'd ever met a nice one"  .

And that right there is why I'm a delusional bitch.

xoxo





Sunday, August 24, 2014

Charlie Ballard the Drag Queen

Hey guys, I just got home from giving lap dances at Peaches Christ NC 17th Showgirls Spectacular @ The Castro Theater.  This is annual event thats been happening since 1998.

What makes her show so spectacular is that Peaches puts on this wonderful pre-show filled with cheesy dialogue and parody vignettes from the movie.  In the beginning of every show, Peaches pops out of a homemade volcano and does the Nomi Malone & Crystal Conner volcano dance.

Th first time I attended this show was when it was held at the Bridge Theater on Geary St, I was just so tickled the first time I saw her pop out a volcano, it was so kitch!

Also during the pre-show, she recruits Drag Queens to give lap dances to the audience but the crowd must buy a large bucket of popcorn in order to get it.

The very first time I attended this show and saw the lap dance portion of the show, I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers, I don't know, I keep hearing that all fags have this sense of internalized homophobia and mine totally showed that night because I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers.

10 years later who should be one of her star lap dancers, thats right, my drag alter ego - Nasty Ass Bitch.

I got the most wonderful compliment from Peaches tonight, on and off the stage.

Before the lap dances begin, Peaches introduces all the dancers, when my drag name was called, the crowd went banana's, as they did for all the lap dancers, I walked across the stage and pulled up my dress to show my crusty green underwear that was scruntched up into my ass and the audience loved it.

My drag persona is really fun and really messy.  So tonight I cut a hefty garbage bag into a couture off the shoulder black mini, trust me, it was looking cute.

After the dancers are announced, they do a cat walk across the stage and Peaches gives everybody a little critique, for me she said, "thats one thing about Nasty Ass Bitch, she always delivers" !

The key word in that compliment was, "always" .  I performed for this show before and had a good outing the last time which is why she said that.  I'm just so happy that I was impressionable for everyone in a fun way!

After tonight show, I went back stage to thank Peaches and tell her it was great show and she said, "you were fabulous" !!!  AWWWWWWW!!!

That was so sweet of her to say.

I've actually been doing more drag for the past couple of years and I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep this as a hobby and only do it when I want to and mostly do it, because I enjoy it.

Tonight on the Muni train heading back home, this really cute gay guy couldn't take his eyes off my drag outfit.  I thought he was really sweet but I didn't want to give him any attention because fuck him and other guys like him.  Its only when I dress up in drag that guys even look or talk to me.  I don't know, I'm just not down with that.  Why can't these fuckers talk to me when I'm in my plain street clothes.  Can't these guys see my beautiful aura when I'm wearing my civilians?  I will never date a guy whose into me because I'm a drag queen, I'm doing this shit for my pleasure, not theirs.

When I catch a guy giving me that look when I'm wearing my regular clothes, thats who I want.

xoxo






Sunday, August 17, 2014

113

Yup, 113!

Those are the three #'s I haven't seen in a long time.

Any guesses on what those #'s could be?

Thats right, my blood pressure.

For the past 2 years I can't remember a time when my blood pressure was below 137.  The main reason why my blood pressure was in the 130's, 140's, and 150's was because of this respiratory illness I've been going thru since 2012.  This is also the reason why my body insulin was out of whack and I was diagnosed as a pre-diabetic.

Earlier this year, my respiratory illness/pneumonia finally took a turn for the better and life has been great for the past couple of months.

I kept wondering if I was ever going to get my blood pressure down, I just didn't know how.

Well, I did stop drinking soda back on June 1st.  I still get tempted sometimes to drink a coca-cola but I know thats my stress trying to get the best of me so I just let it go.

Lately I've been finding myself craving Ramen noodles which is crazy because I've never craved them before.  And on top of that, I'm getting really good at eating with chopsticks.  Where did that come from?

Alright guys, take care.

xoxo


Monday, August 11, 2014

RIP Robin Williams

OMG, Comedian/Actor - Robin Williams just passed away this afternoon at the age of 63.

Wow.  It looks like he died from an attempted suicide.

We all know about Robin's past with drug use but I want to remember the good times he made for many people.

Robins death profoundly affects me because being a comedian from the Bay Area, I use to see him around in the SF comedy community hanging out and/or performing!

Here are some of my fondest moments of seeing Robin around in the Bay and watching him on television/movies:

- I was hanging out at the Purple Onion in San Francisco (Columbus & Jackson) when Photographer Dan Dion was running the room, circ 2004, I remember talking to the door girl upstairs when this guy in a dark coat walked in and she said, "excuse me, theres a show going on downstairs" , and then she paused and said, "oh my bad Mr. Williams ..."  I immediately went downstairs because I knew he was going to perform.  That was the night when Joe Kloceck was going to close the show and then he got bumped, he was so upset he left.  I remember thinking to myself, "Joe should stay because he just might learn something" .

- OMG, another time I got to see Robin Williams unexpectedly was when I was performing at the Club Deluxe. (Haight & Ashbury)  That was when Al Gonzales was running the room, circ 2005, I was on stage performing when I started to do a bit where I was shaking my man-titty's like a burlesque dancer, you know, like they had tassels on them.  So when I was done I went outside and there was Robin, hanging out in the front, I was really star struck.  When I looked at him, he had this really scared look on his face like he just saw a ghost and I said, "you just saw me shake me tittys on stage huh" ??  And then he made some kind of funny Robin Williams comment and thats when I flipped out.  I was so embarrassed.

- A couple years later (2008) we went to Bimbo's in SF to watch him work out for one of his upcoming comedy tours and at the end of the show, he took improv suggestions from the crowd and did my suggestion.  That night he taught me how to censor my material for mainstream audiences because I originally gave him a dark improv suggestion, I thought it was too dark, revised it, re-submitted, and he did it. My re-submitted suggestion that he did was just as edgy, but it was about revising.

- Speaking of learning from him, I watched his episode,  "Inside the Actors Studio" , (2001) with James Lypton and thats where I learned how to hit the audience with tags after telling a joke, it was all about listening to crowd, waiting for them to take a breath from laughing and then interjecting again with another tag, in short - timing.

- I am a child of the 80's, I grew up watching Mork & Mindy.  I also loved his older movies, "World According to Garp" , and, "Popeye" .

RIP Robin #nanunanu




Korina Emmerich vs. Sandhya Garg via Project Runway

Is anyone watching Native Designer - Korina Emmerich (Puyallup) on Project Runway this season? 

She is setting off a firestorm of web comments for her heated rivalry with early front runner - Sandhya Garg. Tune in, its getting juicy!   #projectrunway


Friday, August 1, 2014

10 Random Things by Charlie Ballard

10 Random Things About Me:
--------------------------------------------------

1) I lost my virginity at age 18.


2) When I was 12, I had the choice of going to Madonn'a, 
"Like A Virgin Tour" , or go to the Great America amusement park and I chose Great America.

3) The first time I ate green beans it made me throw up.

4) My best feature is my ass.


5) Speaking of my ass, I got some serious A game. (winks)


6) My first love was a Pima man from Gila River.


7) If I wasn't a comedian, I would've been a fashion designer.


8) I love doing aerobics naked.


9) I've always wanted an Anishnabe flower on my left arm, 
when I went to college this Anishnabequa from Canada had my tattoo on her arm and I didn't want it anymore.

10) Sobering up was one of the best decisions of my life.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Let it Go

I turned 40 years old a couple months ago and I'm coming to conclusions that the life I wanted to lead has been out of my reach lately.  So heres a list of ideals I've been holding onto for a long time and its time to let this shit go:

- getting married to the perfect man
This one is laughable because I really thought I would've found my soulmate by now and trust me I looked i.e. craigslist, gay.com, college, bathrooms, glory holes, bars, cafes, different cities, and where ever else I could find.  In my heart, I really believe I was supposed to be a stay at home gay.  I always envisioned myself getting married to the perfect man, wait for him come home, ask him how his day went, make him some meat loaf and then give him a some booty.

- success
After being in show business for 11 years and not getting anywhere that little fucked up realization of not making it is finally starting to settle in.  I've definitely made my moves and the universe has still yet to deliver.

- weight loss
I currently weigh 290lbs and haven't been down to the 250's for the past couple of years.  Right now I'm working almost full time and have no time to exercise.  I am trying to eat salads at Jack in the Box but that shit just isn't helping.

- having a great sex life
I'm pretty sure my glory days of having a fuckable body are over.  I guess I could go to a gay sex club and get boned in the dark but why keep lying to myself, and besides that scene is sooooo played out.

- making 100k plus a year
The most money I've ever made from comedy in one year was 10,000$.  That is some bullshit.

- a new car
Right now I'd settle for having any kind of car.

- my own house
This one is really far out of reach because in order to have my own house, I needs lots of incoming $$$$$.

- independence
For the past 11 years I've lived at home mainly so I could concentrate on being a stand up comedian and to save on bills.  I love my family but I have no idea what independence feels like.

- learning to speak a 2nd language
I can feel my brain wanting to learn a 2nd language, maybe French, maybe Spanish?

- optimism
This one sucks the most.  This one has kept me from seeing people from who they really are, I can't do it anymore.

This is probably the most honest blog I've written in a while so please don't anyone leave a shitty comment like, "life is what you make it" , because what the fuck do you guys think I've been trying to do for the past 11 years?

My life goals may not be working out for me right now but at least I can say in this life that 

I went for it.

#still #trying #to #make #my #life #better

xoxo