Friday, September 12, 2014

Humble Pie

When I was younger, I attended an all Native American boarding school and thats where I learned to wash away my urban upbringings and immerse myself within Native culture.

Of all sudden, I became very away of my idiosyncrasies, the way I talk, the way I walk, everything.

So in order to fit, I really had to tone it down to fit in.

I learned in my teens from the older traditional Natives that there is no such thing as being perfect, which is why some of the most beautiful Indian beadwork in the world always has a bead missing or this is an odd color bead that doesn't belong in the pattern, I bring this up because thats exactly how I'm feeling right now, I feel like the odd bead out.

So if I'm going to be a successful working artist, I need to learn how to balance these worlds.

A friend of mine once asked me if I consider myself my smart and I replied to her, "only when I need to be" .

And therein lies the solution to my dilemma.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Adam Levine - Naked on Bike

I admit it, I used to be infatuated with Adam Levine but not lately.  After looking at this photo, Adam reminds me of why I was attracted to him, he's so masculine and HAWT !!

Who wants to go for a ride, I know I do.


Monday, September 8, 2014

My Perfect Life


Brad Pitt called again, this time he said he left his wallet in my car, whatever Brad, that was just another excuse for him to come over and bother me.

Its seems like everyone in the world wants to spend time with me ever since I discovered the cure for cancer.  I mean really, I was only doing my job as scientist and putting the pieces together of what everyone already knew.

Its been 5 years since I accepted the Nobel Peace Prize, you'd think the fame would have worn off by now, I never wanted to be celebrity, I just wanted to make a difference.

When I was younger I couldn't find a man to fuck me, now that I've become important it seems like every barista at Starbucks is leaving his phone # on my frappicino cup.

My children are almost grown now, Delilah, Zsa Zsa, and Henri'.  Who knew I was going to adopt and raise 3 beautiful children from Zimbabwe.  I do get asked where I got those names, I took Delilah  from the story of Sampson & Delilah.  I gave my eldest a strong name to let her know that shes empowered and her fate always will always remain in her hands.  I named my 2nd child Zsa Zsa after a friend I went to high school with, my high school friend was bold, fierce, and a lot of fun!  I named my only son Henri', most American's pronounce his name Henry but I've always wanted to raise a french son, which is why all 3 of my kids speak French.

Its been 4 years since my partner died, I miss you Tom.  Tom was my life partner, a good man.  For the first time in my life I didn't lust after a man because of his looks or what he drove or zip code he lived in.  By societies standards, Tom was a schlub, a common man who only cared about his children and the next season of Project Runway.  What I loved about Tom was his inner beauty, "which is truly where we're all beautiful" , he would say.

On somedays I resent Tom for leaving me three kids to raise but I knew I could do it because after all, I was raised by a single parent myself.  #how #hard #could #it #be ????

My life is full.

I think for the last 20 years of my life, I'm going to open a Ramen Noodle Shop in San Francisco.

God Speed.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Dating Older

I've come to that point in my life where other guys consider me as, "dating older" .

I guess.

I was flipping thru my hair this evening and I found a couple grey hairs latched on to my sideburns.  I want to justify those two grey hairs to recent stress but really its to my age, being 40.

I'm good.

Its hard to imagine myself dating anyone younger without it seeming creepy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure writer/gay activist - Dustin Lance Bass (40) & Olympic Diver - Tom Daley (20) make a great couple but they really are they're own island.

I would love to date someone my age, I would love to date a Dustin Lance Bass, but guess who Dustin wants to date ... 

So that puts me in the same boat as most women who are washed up, what to do now?

Do I become more interesting as time passes, maybe I'll learn a 2nd language, read a book, travel more and sure that sounds nice but more time will have passed, and I will have gotten older, wiser, wrinklier, lonelier. 


Thursday, September 4, 2014

RIP Joan Rivers

Sadly this afternoon we lost another comedy legend, Joan Rivers.

She was the only comedy legend who I never got a chance to see perform live.

Joan Rivers was a lot of fun, she was a straight up shit talker.  I would never want to pigeon hold her comedy genius into one category whether it was being a woman, white, jewish, funny, bold, brave, trailblazer, lasting, formidable, legend, mother, grandmother, wife, or just plain Joan.

I will say this, in her last comedy special we did both have the same bit about the SPCA commercial with the Sarah McLachlian song, you know, the commercial that made everyone feel like an asshole for animal abuse, it was classic, like Joan.

Heres a photo from Gay Days 2012 Las Vegas!

We went to see Margaret Cho play at the Mirage a couple years back! Kathy & Joan were in town playing shows too! I totally remember being on the opposite side of the street during the Las Vegas Pride Parade just before it started and seeing these 3 on stage together! I was loving Joan's cape, she said a fan made it for her!! #faghag#trifecta #ripjoanrivers 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Why I love Straight Men

I think the reason why I don't prefer dating Gay men is because I have a zero tolerance for attitude and also, Gay men are too hypersensitive.  I think Gay men make great friends but thats it.

This past Fall, this psychic predicted that I would meet someone this Fall and she was absolutely right.

The only drawback, he turned out to be a chubby chaser and gay.  He's cute but the more and more I got to know him and found out how promiscuous he is, I was like, "oh fuck, this guy could give me AIDS if I'm not careful" ...

The last time we hung out I flat out told him, "we're not going to have sex" .

And he was like, "why not" ?

I just made up some bullshit excuse like, "I really think its a good idea if we don't hook up because we're both train wrecks ...." , but really in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I really don't want him leaving my herpes on my asshole" . 

Moving forward.

There are a couple cute straight men around me that I really like but again, they're straight.

It really sucks being a woman trapped in a mans body.  

Why can't these guys see my spiritual vagina?  Its there, its warm, comforting, aged, smooth and just waiting for them to park their cars in my driveway, my driveway behind the house that is.

Speaking of psychics, when I was 19, I got a professional reading and she said the reason why I'm gay is because I'm mastering manhood.  

The biggest lesson I learned about being a man came from dealing with Lesbians.

When I was younger I never understood why some Lesbians were so mean and acted like complete dicks.  So one day I got tired of it and said, "hey, if you're trying to emulate a dude, they're not all complete dicks, you'd know that if you'd ever met a nice one"  .

And that right there is why I'm a delusional bitch.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Charlie Ballard the Drag Queen

Hey guys, I just got home from giving lap dances at Peaches Christ NC 17th Showgirls Spectacular @ The Castro Theater.  This is annual event thats been happening since 1998.

What makes her show so spectacular is that Peaches puts on this wonderful pre-show filled with cheesy dialogue and parody vignettes from the movie.  In the beginning of every show, Peaches pops out of a homemade volcano and does the Nomi Malone & Crystal Conner volcano dance.

Th first time I attended this show was when it was held at the Bridge Theater on Geary St, I was just so tickled the first time I saw her pop out a volcano, it was so kitch!

Also during the pre-show, she recruits Drag Queens to give lap dances to the audience but the crowd must buy a large bucket of popcorn in order to get it.

The very first time I attended this show and saw the lap dance portion of the show, I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers, I don't know, I keep hearing that all fags have this sense of internalized homophobia and mine totally showed that night because I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers.

10 years later who should be one of her star lap dancers, thats right, my drag alter ego - Nasty Ass Bitch.

I got the most wonderful compliment from Peaches tonight, on and off the stage.

Before the lap dances begin, Peaches introduces all the dancers, when my drag name was called, the crowd went banana's, as they did for all the lap dancers, I walked across the stage and pulled up my dress to show my crusty green underwear that was scruntched up into my ass and the audience loved it.

My drag persona is really fun and really messy.  So tonight I cut a hefty garbage bag into a couture off the shoulder black mini, trust me, it was looking cute.

After the dancers are announced, they do a cat walk across the stage and Peaches gives everybody a little critique, for me she said, "thats one thing about Nasty Ass Bitch, she always delivers" !

The key word in that compliment was, "always" .  I performed for this show before and had a good outing the last time which is why she said that.  I'm just so happy that I was impressionable for everyone in a fun way!

After tonight show, I went back stage to thank Peaches and tell her it was great show and she said, "you were fabulous" !!!  AWWWWWWW!!!

That was so sweet of her to say.

I've actually been doing more drag for the past couple of years and I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep this as a hobby and only do it when I want to and mostly do it, because I enjoy it.

Tonight on the Muni train heading back home, this really cute gay guy couldn't take his eyes off my drag outfit.  I thought he was really sweet but I didn't want to give him any attention because fuck him and other guys like him.  Its only when I dress up in drag that guys even look or talk to me.  I don't know, I'm just not down with that.  Why can't these fuckers talk to me when I'm in my plain street clothes.  Can't these guys see my beautiful aura when I'm wearing my civilians?  I will never date a guy whose into me because I'm a drag queen, I'm doing this shit for my pleasure, not theirs.

When I catch a guy giving me that look when I'm wearing my regular clothes, thats who I want.